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Thursday, November 2, 2006

Stiff Upper Lip? Or Cocksucker’s Cramp?

posted by on November 2 at 19:09 PM

Noel Black is an occasional Stranger contributor—he wrote the piece instructing you on how to order free books and DVDs from Focus on the Family—and long-time resident of Colorado Springs, Colorado, home to Ted Haggard’s homoerotic-art-displaying megachurch. Here’s his quick hit on the accusations leveled against the man Salon describes as “not just be the most important evangelical you’ve never heard of, but the most important evangelical, period.”

Aside from from Ted Haggard’s obvious case of gay face (stiff upper lip!), there’s always been something creepy and evasive about his and New Life Church’s stance on homosexuality.

Late last year, Haggard publicly snubbed James Dobson’s and Focus on the Family’s attempts to put an anti-gay marriage amendment on this year’s ballot. Instead, he insisted, he’d only get behind a “positive” initiative to define marriage as being between one man and one woman. That’s how Amedment 43 was born. It’s on the ballot in next week’s election and it defines marriage as between one man and one woman blah blah blah.

This has been New Life’s homophobia-lite for as long as I’ve had personal dealings with them. I had many debates with Ted’s right hand man, Rob Brendle, about the issue in which he insisted that gay marriage was an issue best left to the voters—a classic propagandish evasion of an issue they knew already enjoyed popular support. That said, Ted’s been rallying hard for 43 and against Referendum I, a measure on the ballot next week that would give same sex couples the same legal rights as married couples. If these allegations turn out to be true, it’ll make him the worst kind of self-hating homophobes.

Many in Colorado Springs, including Cara DeGette at www.coloradoconfidential.com have been pointing out the lack of evidence and speculating about why it hasn’t been released to the press yet. The Denver Post reported that it’s because it’s still being authenticated for legal reasons. I think it could be a strategic move to lure Haggard out of his closet with a denial on record. That way he turns out to be a liar and a hypocrite. And word on the street here is that Mike Jones’ voice tapes have been initially verified as authentic.

Maybe that stiff upper lip will turn out to be cocksucker’s cramp after all!

Here’s Cara DeGette’s take at www.coloradoconfidential.com:

Colorado Confidential wants to know: Where is the veritable blue dress? Last night’s Channel 9 Wants to Know report that Pastor Ted Haggard has been having a “sexual business” relationship with a Denver man for three years has reverberated far and wide.

But so far, nothing has been produced by way of proof that would verify the man’s assertion that he has had gay sex with Haggard and even watched him do methamphetamine.

This morning, Pastor Ted’s right hand man, New Life Church Associate Pastor Rob Brendle, flat-out rejected Denver resident Mike Jones claims aired first on Peter Boyles’ radio show yesterday and epeated on Channel 9 News. In shocked tones, news anchor Bob Kendrick introduced the segment in which Jones made his unsubstantiated claims as, “a stunning accusation against the leader of one of Colorado’s most popular megachurches.”

Clearly distressed, Brendle said that he hadn’t yet spoken to Haggard, but had this to say about the gay escort’s claim: “This is clearly a political stunt. Ted is the farthest thing from a homosexual as you can get. Trust me.”

Which begs the question: I don’t think Ted Haggard is the farthest thing from a homosexual as you can get. Even if this all turns out to be an elaborate hoax (here’s hoping that doesn’t happen!), Ted looks like a lot of homosexuals I’ve known. And can a person, even a straight person, be the farthest thing from a homosexual? Wouldn’t you have to get into inanimate objects to really get to the farthest thing? Like a paperclip or a tree-stump or even a pansy?

Noel just let me know that, according to joemygod.blogspot.com, they’ll be releasing audiotapes tomorrow. From joemygod.blogspot.com:

The hooker claims to have a letter, emails, and voicemails from Ted Haggard and plans to play the voicemails on Denver radio tomorrow afternoon. As always, you can come back here to JMG and I’ll have posted an MP3 of the voicemails for your chortling pleasure.

RSS icon Comments

1

If he's innocent, then why did he resign?

Posted by Gitai | November 2, 2006 8:06 PM
2

According to joemygod.blogspot.com, they'll be releasing the audiotapes tomorrow:

"The hooker claims to have a letter, emails, and voicemails from Ted Haggard and plans to play the voicemails on Denver radio tomorrow afternoon. As always, you can come back here to JMG and I'll have posted an MP3 of the voicemails for your chortling pleasure."

Posted by Noel Black | November 2, 2006 8:07 PM
3

Could someone please make "Mike Jones" a friend of Pastor Ted's myspace?...

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=65374563

Posted by Jim Jones | November 2, 2006 8:49 PM
4

The question becomes: Who is Hutch's DL?

Posted by K | November 2, 2006 10:12 PM
5

Please...Please.... Make sure to post the adio of the voice mail the hooker claims to have... Thanx Dan!

Posted by Brandon Dismuke | November 2, 2006 10:31 PM
6

This is a beautiful mess. I so hope the escort's evidence holds up. I just read this from the Associated Press:
"The acting senior pastor at New Life, Ross Parsley, told KKTV-TV of Colorado Springs that Haggard admitted that some of the accusations were true, but Parsley did not elaborate."

Posted by Mark Mitchell | November 3, 2006 2:33 AM
7

I'm not quite as gleeful as I would be if this were about Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell, but this will do quite nicely.

I'm so glad that this fascist hypocrite has been humiliated, and in a very public and ugly way. Anything that breaks people of this idea that these smug, self-important idiots have anything worthwhile to contribute to their lives is okay by me.

Of course, we should all be looking forward to the day when evangelicals can bite pillows and not be shunned by their flocks and fellow pastors. But until they stop peddling their bigotry in politics and American culture, bring on those tawdry news stories.

Can I get an amen?

Posted by bma | November 3, 2006 6:38 AM
8

One thing that strikes me as a tad odd is the "hooker" is 49 years old.

Posted by Joseph Wheeler | November 3, 2006 7:13 AM
9

Jeff Gannon was older too. I think a lot of closeted guys feel more comfortable with an older guy because they feel they can keep their trap shut. Oops...

I've never done Meth, so I don't really even know how someone would "do" meth. (Back in my day it was all about the pot and the poppers) but I've heard that most guys who do Meth are bottoms, so maybe the good reverend just likes a muscle guy to drill him, so to speak.
While the hooker is no looker, he appears to have a nice body.

Posted by Catalina Vel-Duray | November 3, 2006 8:06 AM
10

I often wonder why deeply closeted homosexuals and pedophiles rail so hard against the rights of gays. I'm pretty sure we've discussed just that to some length at the past, but I'm still not quite sure, and it's more than just trying to energize a hateful base. There's some sort of personal satisfaction that comes from such hypocrisy.

Posted by Gomez | November 3, 2006 8:42 AM
11

First off... AMEN! BMA.

So the "admitted to some alligations" has got to be the drug use. That way he can go into rehab and blame the whole mess on his struggle with drugs.

Drugs, as any good christian knows, are much more forgivable than takin it up the ass by a middle aged muscle ho for hire while telling your wife you have a headache... ALL THE TIME.

Posted by monkey | November 3, 2006 8:58 AM
12

the most recent news has him denying the drug use most vehemently (never, not once, not even in high school) and hedging on the sex.

Posted by gnossos | November 3, 2006 9:15 AM
13

This is clearly a political stunt. Ted is the farthest thing from a homosexual as you can get. Trust me.

Now, how would he know that? Hmmmmm? Did he make a pass at the pastor? Did he spend a debauched night with female hookers playing tag team with the pastor? Did he watch videos that pastor made with his wife? What exactly does this man know about sexuality that would qualify him to know what makes a person qualify as straight or gay?

Posted by B.D. | November 3, 2006 9:22 AM
14

This quote from a story on msnbc.com...

"Carolyn Haggard, spokeswoman for the New Life Church and the pastor’s niece, said a four-member church panel will investigate the allegations. The board has the authority to discipline Haggard, including removing him from ministry work.

'This is really routine when any sort of situation like this arises, so we’re prepared,' Carolyn Haggard said. 'The church is going to continue to serve and be welcoming to our community. That’s a priority.'”

Apparently this happens a lot.

Posted by monkey | November 3, 2006 9:30 AM
15

Check out that YouTube vid at the 1:08 mark. Haggard’s walking along the front row, and then it looks like he’s about to lean over and kiss a young dude’s cheek (but then thinks better of it).

Anyone else think Haggard and Jamie Pedersen look alike?

Posted by rufus | November 3, 2006 9:53 AM
16

They just announced at www.gazette.com that Haggard admitted to buying meth and a massage, but that he never used the massage. Sounds like "But I never inhaled"!!!!! Bull SHIT.

Posted by Noel Black | November 3, 2006 11:35 AM
17

Thanks for the coverage from Colorado Confidential. As a native of the Springs area (Manitou, not CS thank god) It's so depressing to see what my home town has become. Good to see there are some people still there who can think. With their brains!

Posted by scharrera | November 3, 2006 12:06 PM
18

" Jaythus Christ "
side note: from known evidence ,users, discovery channel etc etc Meth enhances ones abiltiy to make judgements even though profound they are still pshychologically sound and inwardly reflect as well as outwardly reflect on ones own soul and inhibitions,exspecially with a first time user, more so than a sober mind.
et al...
So he really wanted the dick is all i'm saying..............

Posted by NATAS | November 3, 2006 12:40 PM

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