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Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Rick Santorum

posted by on November 8 at 13:00 PM

Santorum At the Bat.jpg

Man, you would think I single-handedly defeated Rick Santorum, judging by the hundreds of emails I’ve received since last night. A sampling…

You toppled a senator, Dan! And while Rick Santorum may be gone, the word for the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex, live on for all time.
Congratulations for helping orchestrate the crushing defeat of that frothy shitmeister from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum.
Thanks so much for helping those of us in Pennsylvania who fought long and hard to kick that homophobic theocrat out of the Senate. We may have done the voting, but your helping raise awareness on a national scale certainly played a part in his ousting. You’re the best, Dan!
That messy, unsatisfying, non-consensual ass fuck of a senator is gone! I am sure your inbox will be flooded with congratulations, hopes, dreams, unicorns, and offers for sexual favors because of your huge role in publicizing what a terrorist this guy was but I couldn’t help myself: THANK YOU!
The power of satire should never be underestimated! Thanks for fighting such a good and necessary fight!
As a Philly resident, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all of your efforts to get rid of this jerk. I am so happy we are now a Santorum-free state!

Whoa… no more! My head is so swollen after reading my email this morning that my hair is in danger of popping off.

For the record…

While I appreciate the accolades, and while I recognize that most were offered with tongues planted firmly in cheeks, I can’t take credit for Rick Santorum’s crushing defeat last night. The lion’s share of the credit goes to the wise voters of Pennsylvania. (It would be churlish of me to point out that those same wise voters sent Santorum to the Senate in the first place—twice—so I won’t point that out.) You guys poured into the polls and voted against the frothy mix and have earned yourselves the love and gratitude of a grateful nation. As the kids once said, “props.ā€¯

The second largest share of the credit goes to Bob Casey, who beat Santorum—a sitting U.S. Senator and the #3 Republican in the Senate Leadership—by a whopping 13 motherfucking percentage points. Well done, Mr. Casey. (And gee, it looks like you could have risked taking my money after all—but political hindsight is 20/20, I realize, and all is now forgiven.)

Then there were the folks on the ground—the Dems and activists in Pennsylvania that worked like hell to register new voters and get everyone to the polls yesterday. Groups like Philadelphians Against Santorum—you guys rocked the country yesterday. As the kids once said, “mad props.”

But there’s a smidgen of credit I will take: I did help to make Rick Santorum into a national laughing stock—an international laughing stock (the new definition of “santorumā€¯ is known overseas)—with an invaluable assist from Rick Santorum, of course.

There’s a reason why monarchs and despots used to lock up political cartoonists and satirists. Being made to look ridiculous, being turned into the butt of a joke—that’s politically disempowering fairy dust. It’s hard to rule when you’re not taken seriously, and it’s hard to be taken seriously once you’ve been reduced to a punch line. Indeed, the power of satire should never be underestimated.

And can we pause here to marvel at just how far Rick Santorum has fallen? His name—pre-punch line—was seriously tossed around as a 2008 Republican presidential prospect. Post man-on-dog, post lower-case “santorum,ā€¯ and pre-defeat, no one was seriously contemplating swearing in President Santorum in January of 2009.

But even the small smidge of credit I’m claiming today needs to be shared. So let’s take a moment to thank the Savage Love reader who first suggested having a contest to re-name a sex act in honor of Rick Santorum. And let’s thank the Savage Love readers who sent in so many great definitions. And finally, a big thanks to all the Savage Love readers who voted on the winning definition: “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.ā€¯

Like the substance itself, the new definition for “santorumā€¯ proved to be sticky. Too dirty to print in “family newspapers,ā€¯ the new definition has nevertheless been alluded to on the pages of mainstream daily newspapers, in classy magazines like The Economist, on cable news programs, and on The Daily Show (twice!), directing hundreds of thousands of people that had never heard of my column to www.spreadingsantorum.com. Not a week has gone by in the last year that some mischievous headline writer somewhere hasn’t worked “frothyā€¯ or “mixā€¯ into a header. The new definition of santorum proved irresistible because it forever associated Santorum with the sex act that so clearly obsesses him. It made sense, it had an internal logic and smacked of poetic justice.

But the new definition’s real power is revealed in its ability keep the heads of Santorum supporters everywhere spinning briskly. I haven’t updated www.speadingsantorum.com for more than two years now yet this appeared two days ago in a column by Kathryn Jean Lopez at The National Review:

If polls are an indication, some angry people will get the chance to celebrate Tuesday night. They may want Dems to win generally, but they’ll be watching one Senate seat in particular: They want to watch the defeat of Rick Santorum.

I’m not talking about people who disagree with him on, say, the threat from Iran. I’m not talking about people who disagree with him on privatizing Social Security. I don’t mean people who disagree with him on a federal marriage amendment. I mean people who think it’s pretty funny that when you Google the senator’s name, you get a repulsive lower-case version of his last name, a word invented by sex columnist Dan Savage that refers to anal sex

Next to President Bush—type in “miserable failureā€¯ on Google—Santorum is the politician most successfully victimized by nasty Internet political tactics. Reasonable people are doing it. The libertarian magazine Reason has even nodded to the reference in their weblog in the last week. Otherwise smart people succumb to the temptation.

Yup, reasonable people are doing it, Kathryn, and they will continue to do it. Because sometimes mocking of politically powerful, bigoted, sex-obsessed, deranged national figures is the only weapon we have at our disposal. (And, yes, I’d say Rick Santorum is way more obsessed with sex than I am.) Mockery is a potent political weapon, one that Republicans are only too happy to use. Remember those Band-Aids with purple hearts on them that the party faithful wore at the GOP convention in 2004 to mock John Kerry?

But, oh, Republicans sure are pussies. Give them a taste of their own fucking medicine—when are Dems going to start employing dirty-trick tactics on election day to suppress the Republican vote?—and listen to them whine and whine. (How long until we hear the sad cries of the oppressed Republican minority in the House?) It was perfectly okay for Santorum to say the most vile, offensive, disgusting things about his fellow Americans (he was railing against oral and anal sodomy for anyone, gay or straight, in his famous man-on-dog interview), but when we make him the butt of, yes, a vile, offensive, disgusting, and effective joke, well, that’s just rude!

You know what? Fuck that. Fuck Rick Santorum. Fuck you too, Kathryn. We gave Santorum a taste of his own butt-sex-obsessed medicine—if he was going to obsess about our sex lives we were going to give him a goddamn reason to—and it served him right. He was asking for it. Lower-case santorum couldn’t have happened to a not-nicer guy.

Here’s another piece of mail that came in today…

I need to revel in Rick Santorum’s defeat, Dan. I need to gloat some more! You’ve gotta post YOUR gloat TODAY!

Well, here it is. I hope you enjoyed it. I have to say, though, that it wasn’t as easy to write as I thought it would be.

It would have been a lot easier to be a total dick about Santorum’s defeat if he hadn’t made such a gracious—and apparently sincere—concession speech last night. I almost fell off the couch when Santorum asked the crowd to give a round to applause to Bob Casey.

Where was this graciousness and respect for political differences while Rick Santorum was in the U.S. Senate? And where was this graciousness during the actual campaign? Santorum stopped just short of accusing Bob Casey of flying off to Pakistan twice a week to rim Osama bin Laden. If Santorum had spent the last 12 years in the Senate being the person he was for 12 minutes during his concession speech, well, he might not have made so many enemies in Pennsylvania and all over the country.

But to anyone out there who is feeling bad for Santorum today, or his weeping children (what is it about Republicans that always makes you feel so awful for their kids?), I would direct your attention to this video clip. In an interview with CNN during the final days of the campaign, Santorum came out against—no shit—the pursuit of happiness.

The man clearly doesn’t get—never got—what this country is all about. America is a better place now that Rick Santorum has been turned out of the U.S. Senate. It’s something to celebrate—so why not whip up a little santorum with someone you love?

That’s how I celebrated.

RSS icon Comments

1

Oh.My.Word. I watched that whole clip, and my stars and garters, the man genuinely thinks there's something bad and wrong about the idea of "an ye harm none, do as ye will." What I don't get is how in the hell anyone - well, any RATIONAL person - could actually think that that idea is somehow anti-responsibility?! What part of the "an ye harm none" part do they not get? If you are shirking responsibility, obviously that would be doing harm to others.

What a freak! How dare anyone, anywhere, seek PLEASURE! Pleasure is evil and bad and must be shunned!

GoodBYE, Rick. We won't miss you. At ALL.

Posted by Geni | November 8, 2006 1:25 PM
2

As extremely thrilling as it is that Santorum has been cast out of the Senate, it's important to remember that the new Democratic majority includes an anti-choice, not especially gay-friendly junior Senator from Pennsylvania.

As for employing the underhanded Republican tactics, I think there's something to be said for trying to avoid becoming what you hate.

Posted by josh | November 8, 2006 1:29 PM
3

Not only that, "instant gratification" is what corporate America relys on to sell their crap to the masses.

This guy is a fucking communist!

Posted by Apprentice to Darth Holden | November 8, 2006 1:40 PM
4

Excellent summary, Dan, and a fine political epitaph (now, let's hope he doesn't rise again, as some kind of glossy-haired zombie, the way Ashcroft did). If anyone ever asks me "what was the deal with Santorum?" I will just point them here.

As to the junior senator, and others of his ilk: you move the center the most by attacking the extremes. All in good time....

Posted by Joe | November 8, 2006 1:41 PM
5

Hey Dan. A thanks to you for helping to head off this nutjob fucking gasbag that, as a native Philadelphian, I've had to listen to for all these long years. I've never seen so delusional a politician in my life. I just want you to know Dan, 'cause I like you, that I never voted for that fucker from the start. Smarmy bastard.

What you did was bring even more attention to a dangerous homophobic fucking lunatic that had to go. A big thanks to you, Philadelphians against Santorum, Dump Santorum and whoever else for putting in the work to get rid of this dangerous motherfucker. And thanks to all the P.A. voters who refused to give up the right to sodomize and fuck each other silly in the privacy of their own homes.

The air over my beloved state of PA doesn't stink with the fumes of Santorum's vitriol anymore. Goddess Bless America!

Posted by eileen | November 8, 2006 1:58 PM
6

Oh, glorious day. One asshole down.

Can't wait to see Bush go.

For the record, if you google "failure," George will come up.

Posted by Dianna | November 8, 2006 2:09 PM
7

Santorum sucked. That had nothing to do with you Savage. Get over yourself. You're such a big fish in a small pond.

Posted by BR | November 8, 2006 2:15 PM
8

"Rampant rate of divorce brought to us by the Left"?!?!

Yeah. Right. Next time I need an analysis of societal trends, I'll go to Little Ricky. And his whole interpretation of the Founder's intents... Wow! No pursuit of happiness indeed. Sorry Tommy Jefferson, Little Ricky knows better than you!

Posted by JillK. | November 8, 2006 2:17 PM
9

Actually that clip was from the summer of 2005, not the final days of the campaign. And he was on CN8, not CNN.

Posted by centuwion | November 8, 2006 2:24 PM
10

Regards Little Ricky's speech:

He had several weeks to work on it. Given his pollings, it certainly shouldn't have been a whopping surprise to lose.

Posted by TC | November 8, 2006 2:26 PM
11

Josh: Casey wasn't my first choice either. But with a new Dem majority in the Senate, bills that restrict abortion rights or stem cell research -- in other words, bills on social issues that Casey or Santorum might like -- they won't ever reach the Senate floor. Meanwhile, Casey is solidly in our camp for economic issues like raising the minimum wage.

Posted by Derek | November 8, 2006 2:31 PM
12

Yeah Ricky, the top ten states with the highest divorce rate are all red. The lowest divorce rate in the nation? Mass. Thats right, so fuck off, santorum.

Like you say Dan, saying disgusting things about "fellow Americans". This is what I'm sick and tired off and see it as the main difference between us and them. We rip the politicians and policies. They rip their fellow Americans like we're immoral or traitors or "Godless". Fuck them.

Posted by mark | November 8, 2006 2:32 PM
13

My jaw dropped too during the concession speech. I actually sent an email to his office saying, "Well I hate everything you stand for, but thank you for being so gracious"

Posted by Brie | November 8, 2006 2:34 PM
14

Like what was said in another comment, I hope the Dems NEVER engage in supressing anyone's vote. It's like a conversation I had with my step-dad about torture by the US. He thought it was fine if it helped save Americans' lives. I could not convince him that torturing people to get information that they may not even have made us just as evil, if not even worse than "them".

There's something to be said about never compromising your principles or your dignity to achieve a particular goal. There are MANY cases where the ends DO NOT justify the means, no matter how noble your intentions.

And I hope the Dems remember that in future elections, as well as pass that idea onto their Repub friends.

Posted by Sad SC Voter | November 8, 2006 2:35 PM
15

The bestest best BEST part is when the interviewer does the "a liiiiiiiittle pink?" Communist question. HI. LAR. IOUS.

Posted by Thom | November 8, 2006 2:37 PM
16

Okay, not sure why that posted but my point was that I learned in dog training class to reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior.

Who knows, maybe it works with asses, too.

Posted by Brie | November 8, 2006 2:38 PM
17

I grew up near Pottstown (from 1 to 10) and went to the private school there, and even turned down a four-year full scholarship (room, board, books, tuition) to Swarthmore College.

I'm proud of my peeps!

They did what had to be done.

Posted by Will in Seattle | November 8, 2006 2:39 PM
18

Dan, you celebrated Santorum's ouster by stirring up some Santorum? That's pretty shitty ::RIMSHOT::

I have no sympathy for the hateful bastard and don't blame anyone for also refusing to have any. And his family looks like something out of a comedic nightmare.

Posted by Gomez | November 8, 2006 2:40 PM
19

I celebrated by making a little santorum last night. Frothy.

Posted by monkey | November 8, 2006 2:43 PM
20

Congratulations, Dan. But I wouldn't get too worked up over Kathryn Jean; she's a salted nut bar. She wants Santorum to be Secretary of Defense. Yes, really. (And Hugh Hewitt wants him on the Supreme Court!)

Posted by Fnarf | November 8, 2006 2:48 PM
21

Too bad Santorum didn't have the grace he had last night in the debates -- he just seems to be good at freaking out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T65x72UMDbQ

Posted by Andy | November 8, 2006 3:20 PM
22

Too bad Santorum didn't have the grace he had last night in the debates -- he just seems to be good at freaking out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T65x72UMDbQ

Posted by Andy | November 8, 2006 3:21 PM
23

Too bad Santorum didn't have the grace he had last night in the debates -- he just seems to be good at freaking out in this video.

Posted by Andy | November 8, 2006 3:22 PM
24

how long til ricky comes out of the closet?

Posted by garth | November 8, 2006 3:34 PM
25

I think PA did itself a disservice by sending Casey to the Senate. 1) They removed a very powerful Senator that did a lot for the state and could get things done when Pennsylvania needed it. 2) They sent a stands for nothing replacement to D.C. who ran on nothing more than his dad's name. I think the people of Pennsylvania lost a lot.

Casey will be a one term do nothing as a senator and will probably lose badly when he has to run against his record and actual positions on issues. He'll be a democratic rubber stamp.

Posted by PA Native | November 8, 2006 3:36 PM
26

I think PA did itself a disservice by sending Casey to the Senate. 1) They removed a very powerful Senator that did a lot for the state and could get things done when Pennsylvania needed it. 2) They sent a stands for nothing replacement to D.C. who ran on nothing more than his dad's name. I think the people of Pennsylvania lost a lot.

Casey will be a one term do nothing as a senator and will probably lose badly when he has to run against his record and actual positions on issues. He'll be a democratic rubber stamp.

Posted by PA Native | November 8, 2006 3:36 PM
27

Congratulations, Pennsylvania, and congratulations, Dan Savage. One small quibble, though, Dan: there's nothing gracious about Ricky subjecting his children to that spectacle last night. Hope his Congressional HMO covers lots and lots of family therapy, because a family headed by a goon who'd do that to his kids will need it. Soon.

Nevertheless, well done, sir!

Posted by TeddySanFran | November 8, 2006 3:49 PM
28

Santorum has been the perfect example of what we don't want in the Senate (or on our sheets!) ever since he was elected. I live in Texas, but Santy's defeat was the sweetest for me because he really does hate our freedom to love, to fuck, to help the poor, to own our bodies, to use reason as a compass... and generally try to be happy.

Dan, you significantly contributed to the fact that this guy's a joke-- not just a bad Senator, not just a wingnut, but a freaky, sex-obsessed, stillborn snuggling joke. If branding is everything, you opened a chink in the armor of his faux-respectability, and then activists, Dems, and the man himself finished the job. We all worked together for this moment of sanity, but you should be damn proud.

Posted by Lauren | November 8, 2006 4:01 PM
29

Now that you have rid the political world of RS, can you please, please, please help Minnesota discard the newly elected Michelle Bachman? Intolerance toward gays is her chief reason for living, and her other political beliefs are no better. (Excuse me, I have never typed that name before. I have to go wash my keyboard.)

Posted by tedb | November 8, 2006 4:01 PM
30

By the last month of the campaign, even the conservative former truck driver my mom is now with said of Ricky: "I don't like him." He's a Republican voter in Pennsylvania. The ridicule got through. Yes, gods bless the power of satire.

I've always said that Ricky's problems were that he was just plain ignorant. A sitting United States Senator should simply not be so willfully oblivious of the world around him.

Thanks, Dan, for helping remove this dangerous man from a place he never merited.

Posted by Chris Adams | November 8, 2006 4:03 PM
31

My bf and I celebrated by going to that repulsive, dark place and making some santorum, too. Twice.

Posted by Jersey | November 8, 2006 4:09 PM
32

PS - Oh, and thanks for delivering the US Senate to the Dems, Dan! You've altered the course of human history with but the least of dribbles.

Bra-vo, sir!

Posted by Chris Adams | November 8, 2006 4:10 PM
33

We pity the children of Republicans because they're the children of Republicans. You have to have pity for kids being raised by people who actually believe that contraception is evil, sex education should occur on your wedding night, and not before, that you should die rather than being allowed an abortion, that you should be forced to bear your rapist's and/or blood relative's child, that women should be baby making and raising machines, etc. Living like that would be hell. No wonder so many of their kids turn into alcoholics.

Posted by Gitai | November 8, 2006 4:29 PM
34

your last remark is classic Dan

Posted by Mike in MO | November 8, 2006 4:48 PM
35

The concession speech was the opening gambit in the Santorum for President campaign. I'm sure you can come up with an appropriate slogan for him, Dan.


And while I do feel sorry for the kids, I did wonder while I was watching, "Where's the fetus?" All the rest of the family was there.

Posted by Dr Paisley | November 8, 2006 4:58 PM
36

Actually, no. Fuck Kathryn Jean Lopez. I'm down with you, Dan. She needs to take it. She's dished it out too often to get to ask us to be 'nice' now.

Posted by Alexander | November 8, 2006 5:02 PM
37

I think one of the greatest sadnesses caused by Santorum was the defeat of Harris Wofford, one of the most decent people ever to serve in the Senate. I'm glad the country (or Penna, anyway) seems to be returning to its senses, but we need to think about what happened, so that a man like santorum could defeat a man like Wofford, so that it never happens again. And let's not forget that people like James Inhofe, Tom Coburn and Sam Brownback still occupy seats in the Senate. Dan, you did such a good job of mocking Santorum I am positive you could do something fun with Brownback. You wouldn't even have to break a sweat to mock a name like that.

Posted by jim perrin | November 8, 2006 5:59 PM
38

Instant gratification vis-a-vie increased earnings and better growth is the hallmark calling for all the large buisnesses that santorum and the rest of the lot are working for. Don't achieve "instant gratification" for the stock holders, and real, honest, working people lose their jobs so a rich conservative asshole can pad his wealth.

PS-I wonder how long it will take before santorum puts his PA "home" up for sale?

Posted by What crap | November 8, 2006 6:33 PM
39

Dan, as a memetic engineer you are a true genius. Please make sure that your powers are used only for the Forces of Goodā„¢ (which include, of course, great sex). Soon it will be time to unleash your wrath on the SOBs who voted for torture and kidnappings.

Posted by Isaac Bonewits | November 8, 2006 9:59 PM
40

So, what will be your next coinage? I have one suggestion:

dick cheney: a small painless sore that forms on the genitals in the early stages of syphilis

Posted by Mister Nice Guy | November 8, 2006 11:30 PM
41

can you come to south carolina where one of the most despicable and outright un-American travesties the U.S. Government was perpetrated for a long time.?

we sure could use some old fashioned mocking down here in the land of the hickory wind.

a "lindsey graham" [one of "the SOBs who voted for torture and kidnappings" -- thanks, Isaac, for the line] contest would be perfect.

Posted by whaleshaman | November 9, 2006 1:20 AM
42

I live in Northern Virginia. Now that Lil Ricky is leaving office can PA please, please, please take him back. Pretty please?

Posted by Woodrowfan | November 9, 2006 5:05 AM
43

Mrs Frothy looked a lot more upset with the result than her husband. Hmm. Very gracious speech from the man: but as others have noted, he's had over a year to work on it.

Alas, the sex-obsessed Musgrave survives into another Congress, as do other GOP freaks.

Posted by Nick S. | November 9, 2006 6:48 AM
44

Not to take away from the santorum gloating (which feels so good so I WILL do it, Rick) but there's another sign of hope. The anti-same sex marriage bans won by narrower margins this time (and lost in AZ) in large part because they affected straight people (because they denied recognition to any non-het-married people). It seems some people have woken up to the fact that the same folks who fear the queers hate sex and are a threat to everyone's sexual autonomy. So please keep banging that drum, too, Dan.

Posted by penny lane | November 9, 2006 12:29 PM
45

To PA Native:

I'm not a native, but I have lived in Pittsburgh for the past four years. (And not as a transient college student, either.)

I voted for Specter on the logic you cite - that a veteran centrist Republican would be a better representative than a freshman minority Senator (as Joe Hoeffel would have been).

In retrospect, I regret voting for Specter. He basically rubber stamped Alito, and voted in a bunch of other ways I disagreed with. (And yeah, I wrote before those votes happened to let him know what I thought.) Sure, the amendment that attempted to presreve habeas corpus was nice ... too bad it didn't pass. For his pains, he gets hated on as a RINO, traitor, member of the "Gang of Fourteen," etc.

As for Casey ... no, I don't particularly like that in a lot of ways he might as well be a Republican. I've contemplated writing him a letter saying "I voted for you, but dude, keep in mind that I was really voting against your opponent, and so were a lot of other people." I wanted Chuck Pennacchio ... too bad the Democratic machine threw its weight and its money behind Casey. Still, I was thrilled for the chance to vote against Santorum.

Casey is a freshman, but his party has the majority. He has a chance to be much more effective than Hoeffel would have been two years ago. And he may well not be a Democratic rubber stamp on certain social issues ... not that I think that's a selling point.

Posted by Nikki | November 9, 2006 4:14 PM
46

Rick Santorum: "...it [birth control] goes down the line of being able to do whatever you want to do without having the responsibility that comes with that." In other words using birth control is irresponsible. Wow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MBO9tNNejo
Thank you PA voters.

Posted by Fred | November 9, 2006 5:12 PM
47

Turning a repellent Proper Noun into an improper noun for the good of the country?

Priceless.

Qualifier -- If you're born with a name like "Dan_Savage" (a noun, a verb, and an Action Figure) you have a big headstart in this sort of thing. We can only be thankful that Dan is on the side of good, and not evil.

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