Life Crystal Cathedral, Part 3
posted by on November 3 at 16:18 PM
This morning the radio was on and they were reporing on Ted Haggard and I was listening intently—until my son asked, “Daddy, what’s a ‘male prostitute’?”
It took me back to the dark days of the Bill & Monica scandal, the Starr Report, the impeachment, and all the talking heads on TV pursing their lips at the thought of—horrors!—a powerful man getting a blowjob from someone that wasn’t his lawful wife.
Lots of the average folks arguing for impeachment—not the pols, many of whom had been on the receiving end of extra-marital blowjobs themselves, or the TV talking heads, ditto, but the average conservative voter—were saying things like, “My children are listening to this on the TV!” They objected to being forced to discuss things with their children that 1. their children weren’t ready to discuss, or 2. that these parents didn’t want to discuss yet or ever.
I’ve had that same feeling twice in a month. First with Foley (“Daddy, what’s a ‘congressional page’?”) and now with Haggard (“Daddy, what’s a ‘male prostitute’?”). Back in ‘98 I was one of those people who dismissed the grumblings of freaked-out parents during the Bill & Monica scandal. I think I owe them an apology—I don’t think Bill should have been impeached, and if you’re going to mad at anyone, be mad at the Republicans that dragged his private life into the public square.
But, yeah, it’s a bummer having to explain to an eight year old eating a piece of toast exactly what a male prostitute is.
It occurs to me that these megachurchs - all protestant, and in the protestant tradition - emulate the Catholic church in so many ways: The heirarchy, the "cathedral-like" settings, and the coverups of abuse.
It's really just Catholicism with even less accountability, since one man runs the show. How can anyone find spirituatliy and solace in a 1400 member congregation?
I suspect that they just substitute spirituality for a weird sort of peer pressure and the feeling of being at home in a crowd.
"It's a man who gets paid to have sex, usually with other men. Please pass the crystal meth."
So, what did you say?
“Daddy, what’s a ‘congressional page’?â€
“Daddy, what’s a ‘male prostitute’?â€
One and the same, son...one and the same...
I said... and I'm doing my best to remember my exact words...
"Most people smooch* other people that they really like. But some people will smooch other people not because they like them, but because they're being paid to smooch them."
"Like a professional baseball player? A professional smoocher?"
"Sort of. Now pass the crystal meth."
*smooching, for my son, means making out, hot and heavy, like he's seen in the movies. right now, it's the word he uses for sex.
another shining example of how absolutely fucked and hypocritical the republican/evangelical war cry of "family values" is.
when major news stories like this break, it is almost impossible to shield children from terms they really shouldn't have to learn about until they are old enough to understand.
discussing bombs and why there were so many flags everywhere after 9/11 with my then three year-old niece was difficult enough (although i was charmed by her constant refrain of "look, aunt kerri! an american flag!."
having to explain prostitution is bad enough. but the thing that really bothers me is the idea of having to explain why a man is ashamed to admit he likes to "be romantic" with another man.
my niece, much like many children of rational minded parents, has been brought up with the understanding that sometimes men love men and sometimes women love women and that it's all good.
i hate the idea of her thinking that a man "being romantic" with another man is something that should be hidden or, even worse, something to be ashamed of.
dan: nicely handled with The Kid.
I watched the Breakfast Club with my dad back in 1985, I was 11. I asked him "What is a nimphomanic." His answer, "Someone who loves sex in a sick way." Boy did I regret asking that question.
Crystal Cathedral: hilarious, though it might have been the professional name of one of Swaggart's hookers.
Just out of curiosity, did you explain it to him? Were you just blunt and gave it to him straight, or did you try to sweeten it?
I know you may not like to elaborate too much on your family and I don't need any fine details, but I am curious because if you ask that question to 12 different parents, you get 12 different answers.
Brandon H:
See #5, Dan answers.
I think it's kind of funny that the sex columnist's kid knows less about whores than I did as a kid, when my parents were both in the legal field.
Ah, this reminds me of when I was nine and was watching Seinfeld with my family. We watched that episode where Jerry considers a menage a trois. My poor father.
Dan---think your next book should be a how-to talk to your kid about sex kind of thing. Kudos on the explanation.
You always do us proud, Dan.
But now, everytime he eats toast, he will have that moment burned into his memory...
#13-- I think that is a really interesting idea.
The majority of Americans have been raised to believe that sex is a taboo subject. Now as adults, they pass that sickness onto their children. Kids see sex as something forbidden, very enticing, and that is partly why we have so many pre-teens having sex without a clue.
We know that open communication about sex is the only way to make our situation better. That is why the abstinence-only approach fails miserably. Dan can be very honest with other adults in his column. He's witty and knows how to get his point across. I wonder if he could tactfully do the same thing for people with children. If a sex columnist can't do it, who can?
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