Slog News & Arts

Line Out

Music & Nightlife

« The Morning News | Girls's Costume Warehouse »

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The War On Heterosexual Sex

posted by on October 26 at 9:28 AM

I’ve been screaming my head off about the ongoing war on straight rights for years. It’s nice to see another writer take up the fight.

The lawyer that got arrested from having sex with a woman in a stall in a woman’s restroom at QWest Field? The one Brad mentioned in his morning news post? He wasn’t busted for the sex, but for his sex. From Seattlest:

According to the sheriff’s department spokesman, the sex isn’t why prosecutor man was arrested.
It’s not illegal to have sex in a public bathroom in Washington, provided the stall is shut and no one is committing indecent exposure, Urquhart said. The arrest was for trespassing—it’s illegal for a man to enter a women’s bathroom.

Hold on, now. So if two women or two men want to have sex in a bathroom, it’s totally ok, but if straight people do it, they get arrested?

Obviously there is a war on heterosexual sex in this country, and it must stop. Here we are, letting gay people marry (although, to be fair, we’re forcing them to do it in Jersey), and one Thurston County prosecutor can’t even become one with his paralegal during a football game.

All the cheering we did at the gay pride parade, we take it back.

Bad news for straights, good news for gays. Smelly, damp, disgusting toilet-stall sex? It’s all ours! We may not be able to get married in Washington State (and we still can’t in New Jersey, Seattlest), but we can still get it on in public restrooms that stank of stale urine and hotdog farts. Woo-hoo.

Still, the next time I go to the M’s with my boyfriend we’re going to exercise our right to toilet-stall sex. We have so few rights as it is, how can we pass on one we enjoy? So we’ll slip into a stall in one of the men’s rooms at Safeco and do our duty. Eat your heart out, Seattlest.

RSS icon Comments


When I lived in the dorms in college, we called this "Gay Privilege" -- gay couples could live together, but mixed-gender roommates weren't allowed. Ha ha, sucks to be straight.

Posted by MattyMatt | October 26, 2006 9:49 AM

Yeah, until your boyfriend winds up in the hospital. Or probate.

Posted by Dan Savage | October 26, 2006 9:54 AM

I'm a horny mother f-er, but I couldn't be hard up enough to wanna F someone in a public toilet stall. I'm no prude, but that's one I have never understood.

Posted by Mike in MO | October 26, 2006 9:58 AM


Next time you and Terry go to the M's, be sure to leave the son with the beer vendor.


Posted by bill | October 26, 2006 9:59 AM

Hopefully by next year our son will be the beer vendor. That boy has got to start earning his keep. Plus we don't want him wandering into the can while we're getting it on. Talk about trauma.

Posted by Dan Savage | October 26, 2006 10:05 AM

Ok, so it's legal for me to cruise the toilets in the park?

Posted by George Michael | October 26, 2006 10:05 AM

I argue that the trespassing charge is a violation of the "transgressor's" rights due to his sexual orientation...

Posted by Dave Coffman | October 26, 2006 10:12 AM

Was the paralegal pregnant?

Posted by charles | October 26, 2006 10:32 AM
Posted by josh | October 26, 2006 10:48 AM

Actually, if the lines to the women's bathrooms are too long, it's legal for women to take over the men's bathroom if they believe it's unoccupied.

Perhaps he got confused?

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 26, 2006 11:16 AM

Was the game THAT uninteresting?

Posted by Gomez | October 26, 2006 11:26 AM

Men can still take a pee if the stalls are occupied by those seeking sex. On the other hand, the women can't just pee in the sinks, and they don't have urinals - and they always have the same number of stalls as the men's room, which is retarded - so if people are getting it on in the hot, sexy confines of a dirty toilet stall, everyone else has to stand there hoping they're not about to wet their Levi's.

All public toilet sex must therefore take place in the horrible stanky men's room stalls.

Posted by Geni | October 26, 2006 12:04 PM

In my moderate public-toilet-cleaning experience, it's the ladies who stank up their toilet stalls ten times worse than the gents do. Guys might tinkle around the edges and write on the walls, but the ladies, Jesus: SHIT on the walls, tampons on the floor, handles and seats broken off, clothing and entire rolls of toilet paper wedged halfway down the bend, hundreds of candy wrappers all around the throne. Fucking ANIMALS don't act like that.

But I do agree that holding up a really line so you can prong your partner of whatever persuasion should be a capital offense. Especially at one of the older stadiums like Fenway Park that only has one or two ladies' in the first place.

Posted by Fnarf | October 26, 2006 12:11 PM

Sounds like I have at least one good reason to renew my M's season tickets!

Posted by Explorer | October 26, 2006 12:47 PM

Fnarf> public toilet cleaning? That demands elaboration.

Posted by Mike in MO | October 26, 2006 12:59 PM

I disagree, Fnarf. I did a college paper on graffiti, and as part of the research, had to note the differences between men and women's bathrooms.

If anything, men's bathrooms are consistently the worst.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 26, 2006 1:26 PM

Fnarf -- Spoken - accurately, I'll agree - by someone speaking from the perspective of former bartender/server?

I love the ladies and all their individual charms, but, yes, they are the worser public bathroom offenders.

Posted by Lloyd Clydesdale | October 26, 2006 1:30 PM

I worked in a bookstore/coffeehouse/restaurant that shared bathrooms with a skanky meatmarket disco in a California suburb (Upstart Crow in the Pruneyard, Campbell, CA, anyone? Anyone?) for several years. The bathrooms were just impossible.

A dozen Pineapple-head Goths from the coffeehouse getting fucked up in the stalls, hilariously shitfaced hairspray girls smashing their drinks in the toilet and shitting on the walls (I still don't know how they did that), the constant fights (an angry disco dancer once threw his rival through our plate glass window, though that wasn't bathroom-related), the constant puking, the constant complaints from our more sedate patrons ("I don't know what it is, the walls are covered with brown stuff, I'm not going in there"), the assortment of non-waste products that were nightly flushed halfway down: it was fucking AWFUL, and I had to clean it up.

I also had a short fat guy in a leprechaun costume vomit a prodigious quantity of corned beef and green beer all down the front of my clothes one memorable St. Patricks Day, but that's a different story.

Posted by Fnarf | October 26, 2006 1:52 PM

Will: graffiti wasn't in the top ten of problems we had. I wish.

Posted by Fnarf | October 26, 2006 1:53 PM

"In my moderate public-toilet-cleaning experience ..." Moderation in the pursuit of public-toilet pronging is no vice; extremism in the trolling of public-toilet turd eating is no virtue.

& break it down for me, brother. If it's illegal for a testosterone-poisoned higher primate to enter a woman's stall, what's the penalty for a man who enters the all-the-above transsexual transgendered potty at Wm. H. Gates Legal Lawyers' Hall at the Dub campus?

Posted by sam sam the lavatory man, spend all his time in the crapper can | October 26, 2006 3:19 PM

Far be it from me to claim that women's bathrooms have any claim to a pristine nature - jeebus, I remember the old Frederick & Nelson women's rooms (what IS it that wealthy old ladies DO in department store toilets that smells so bad?!) - however, if you parse my original statement, it was that the men's rooms were horrible and stanky. Which they are. The women's rooms are not automatically the opposite...they too possess the very essence of stank.

However, men have more options for draining the lizard than women do, and that just makes it obvious that if the toilet stalls are going to be occupied by those bumping monkeys, it should be in the room where there are other options for micturation.

Then again, I HAVE peed in the urinal in porta-potties upon occasion, when the mere idea of lifting the lid was enough to cause automatic projectile-vomiting. (Bumbershoot on a 90 degree day, anyone?) It's a skill.

Posted by Geni | October 26, 2006 5:56 PM

Dial it back 20 milligrams or so, bub.

Posted by Fnarf | October 26, 2006 5:56 PM

My milligrams barb was directed at 20, not 21. Geni, I feel your pain. Women needing to use the restrooms in large venues are screwed -- uh, let me rephrase that -- get the shaft -- no, that's not good either -- are unfairly provided for. It's true.

I knew a gal once who could pee forty feet no problem. The demonstrations, where she destroyed a succession of cocky dickwavers in competition, were very popular out in the parking lot. it is a skill.

Posted by Fnarf | October 27, 2006 11:14 AM

"(L)ifting the lid was enough to cause automatic projectile-vomiting ..."

It's the projectile farting you've got to watch out for. Just ask the confection called 'fnarf,' who was busted out of Betty Ford way too soon, & against medical advice.

Posted by does fnarf, like, have a job? a real job? aside from drooling on the slog? | October 27, 2006 4:48 PM

The Rolling Stones cancel a gig in Hawaii and postpone other tour dates as Mick Jagger suffers throat troubles...

Posted by Trever Dinkins | November 12, 2006 6:27 PM

TV host Oprah Winfrey gives audience members $1,000 (£526) each to donate to a charitable cause...

Posted by Israel Neel | November 17, 2006 12:31 AM

Comments Closed

In order to combat spam, we are no longer accepting comments on this post (or any post more than 14 days old).