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Monday, October 16, 2006

Angela Valdez - our new highly emotional, cosmically creative reporter

posted by on October 16 at 14:40 PM

Today is the first day in our office for newly-hired Neghborhoods reporter Angela Valdez, whose work at Oregon’s Willamette Week caught our eye. It’s always tough being the new kid on the job, though, so we decided to see into her future … not only to soothe her worries, but to give us some insight into who Ms. Valdez really is. Luckily, we had this deck of Manga-themed Tarot cards (which arrived unsolicited last week to the Books section) to guide us…


It was soon revealed that Manga Tarot can only tell the fortunes of insecure heterosexual girls. We gave it our best shot, anyway, following the instructions to a tee:

“Dim the lights and maybe light a candle or some incense to create the atmosphere of a wise woman. Focus on the question in your mind. If it’s about how you’re going to get that boy to fancy you, it’ll be worth it…”

Her question: “Will I someday have Dan Savage’s job?”

Her answer:

Past:The Star — The Star is about hope, about reaching out to something beyond which you can touch and feel. Picking this card means you’ve reached beyond your own limits and risen above the crowd.”

Future:The Page of Cups — It’s time to tell people how you feel - especially the boy whose interest in you is growing. Look out for a family gathering or sleepover - a chance to let your hair down - and any new offers or projects. “

Present: “The Nine of Pentacles — You’re coming into your own power, which is making you feel more in control of yourself and your future. Get out and run around and you’ll feel even better.”

Advice: “The Empress — The Empress is all woman. She’s the symbol of the mysteries of femininity. She’s cosmically creative, highly emotional and astonishingly selfess. But just as she represents beauty and support, girly emotions can also include jealousy and spite. As a young woman, you’ll explore them all, but keep the ugly ones in check or you’ll find that being a woman isn’t such fun after all.”

So as long as previously super-star Angela can learn to keep her girly emotions under control and let down her hair, she’ll meet her dreams of success here at The Stranger! A paper that was at one time strong-armed by gays and feminists will soon come under new reign…

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Angela--latina/os in tha house!!! Todo por la raza, pa' la raza. Have you tried one of Gillian's chili mango slices yet? Why are white people appropriating our spices?!?!

Posted by Nick | October 16, 2006 3:24 PM

Your spices, eh? You discovered cumin and chili peppers? All by yourself, or did you have help?

Posted by Fnarf | October 16, 2006 3:32 PM

A joke, of course, but seriously, everyone should try the chili mango slices. They will relieve your boredom (and your bowels) right away.

Posted by Nick | October 16, 2006 3:41 PM

Sooooo... are those cards gonna provide a detailed recap of Segal-gate?

Posted by Gomez | October 16, 2006 3:43 PM

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