Granted, the world of pro-football fandom is as foreign to me as the world of cunnilingus. Still, I’d repeatedly perform the love munch on the entire cast of The View before I’d attach myself to a piece of football-fan paraphernalia called the Dirty Brown Towel.

Details on the dread-inspiring tchotchke come from the hilarious sports site Deadspin, which reports that the Cleveland Browns’ Dirty Brown Towel is a “riff” on the Pittsburgh Steelers’ Terrible Towel.

Whatever. “Brown” is both the world’s worst adjective AND world’s worst verb, and I have no desire to know what brown can do for me.

P.S. While looking for a UPS-related link for that “what brown can do…” phrase, I found the UPS Pressroom, featuring the text of a speech given by UPS chairman and CEO Mike Eskew, in which he proudly refers to his company’s “Big Brown Promise,” which sounds like the name of porno film I never, ever want to see.