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Friday, September 15, 2006

Notes From The Prayer Warrior

Posted by on September 15 at 10:54 AM

It’s been quite a year for the Prayer Warrior.

In May he alerted his followers to a medical problem that sounded like it involved bleeding eyes; in July he injured his chest on a propane tank and not long afterward reported six cracks in five ribs; later that month, he claimed to have been the victim of identity theft; in early August, threats against his life required prayers for a “protective hedge” around his house; in late August, he made a vague reference to his blood counts being down; and today he sends word that he’s heading back to the doctor for another blood test.


Please pray for me as I go for another blood test today. First of all, that my numbers remain down, and second, that a vein will be easily found. It is usually quite an ordeal to find a vein, with multiple tries!!

Your Pastor,

Any doctors or medical students out there want to take a stab at a diagnosis?

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I'm no med student but I think it would be fun to throw some wild guesses out there. Hemophilia? AIDS? Cancer?

It's obvious: Hutch has the downstairs Herps.

Sounds like demonic possession to me. I recommend an immediate exorcism. Keep in mind that the Geneva Conventions don't cover such extra-legal activities.

Hoping that his numbers are down on a blood test sounds like diabetes.

Hepatitis C, contracted through IV drug use. Not only does Hep C require regular monitoring/blood tests, but habitual IV drug use can make veins hard to find.

Easy: he's fat. Gross obesity. Can't find a vein. Diabetes.

Diagnosis: An imbalance of humors.

Recommended treatment: several rounds of bleeding, followed by generous application of leeches.

Christians don't want teenagers to fuck and Jews think god wants them to suck blood out of baby cocks. Only idiots believe in religion.

The Stranger raised $3,000 for Katrina relief, that's more than any Christian organization donated.

The Torah is good for wiping your ass with, the bible works just as well.

Even New York Public Health can't stop Rabbis from sucking blood from baby cock because god tells them to. Check out what Slate says;

Hmmm. Could be anything, but playing the odds diabetes would be most likely.

1. Diabetes can lead to retinal hemorrhages ("bleeding eyes"). Damage to blood vessels in the back of the eye from high blood sugar (not externally visible). Can cause blurry vision and permanent vision loss if not treated early.

2. Fall with rib fracture - hard to say. Possibly a simple trip and fall, although diabetes can interfere with balance. So can obesity. If I were seeing him in my office I'd also probe carefully for signs of heavy alcohol use (the #1 cause of severe injuries in the home).

3. "Blood counts down in response to treatment". Would fit with diabetes as well. There is a simple blood test, the "hemoglobin A1c", which is commonly used test to monitor blood sugar control in diabetes. It would be repeated every 3-6 months to monitor the effects of pills and/or insulin one was taking to lower blood sugar.

The biggest risk factors for diabetes are weight (much more common in the overweight) and race (much more common in blacks and Hispanics).

So I'd put my money on diabetes. But the other options mentioned above are possible as well.

Although diabetes is a serious condition, it's also easily controlled with weight loss and medications. So it's a little humorous (if that's what he has) that he'd refer to it in this mysterious "please pray for me" way.

Especially using the scary sounding term "blood counts" which typically make people think of much more serious conditions such as leukemia.

So could also be much more life threatening stuff such as leukemia. But my money would be on diabetes.

In my opinion as The World's Foremost Epidemiologist (TM), I would have to say it's Hemolytic anemia with a huge amount of the Rabies.

Munchausen's syndrome.

Maybe if he had played more than just a handful of games in the NFL, he'd be in better shape...

sounds like satan's testing his faith. or maybe god's punishing him for his intolerance.

The shakes?
Housemaid's Knee?

Hell, maybe he just needs a good cleaning out. Douse him with some salts, and stick a hose up his bum. He'll be good as new.

If not, dust off the iron lung. You can't be too careful.

Yeah. A good long sentence to an iron lung (without access to the interweb) would be blissful.

What a whiny bitch. I get the worst phlebotomists in the world, and I don't bitch about it to thousands of people.

I hear that most pastors spend most of their time talking about this Jesus character, not themselves. But I guess Hutch knows who's the Big Dog in his universe.

Wow, as a physician, I would love to diagnose this guy, having never examined him in person. It would make Bill Frist proud.

Gurl just needs a vodka enema and she'll be fine.

Did I miss something, or was this just a rhetorical question?

I imagine Hutch has been having some issues with blood clotting and may be taking Warfarin or some similar anti-coagulent to reduce the risk. His numbers being down sounds like he's having his protime-count tested, and being down would indicate that the anti-coagulent is working and helping to thin his blood.

As a show of support, maybe we could all pitch in and send him a bag of used syringes and razor blades?

Okay, sure, that's hopelessly mean-spirited and sounds entirely too much like something he might joke about in an unscripted moment.

So who's with me?

Ahhhh Hutch. The modern version of Job.

Everyone has missed the OBVIOUS!

It's TOUGH being a warrior!

His grossly swollen ego requires periodic lancing.

Nah, my money would be on diabetes. He's overweight, he's out of shape, he probably eats horribly, and he has several other risk factors. But holy crap, can't he just watch what he eats like everyone else instead of whining like a big fucking baby to his Internet zealots?

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