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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Mariners’ Comeback

Posted by on August 23 at 7:32 AM

Like being a parent or owning a poodle (the breed my son chose when it was time for him to get a dog), the fact that my adult self holds season tickets to the Mariners would rock my teenage theater fag self to his core. But hold `em I do, so I was at Safeco Field last night when the Ms broke their 11-game losing streak by beating the New York Yankees.

We came home with some very special merchandise last night. There was a promotional giveaway at the game: the first 35,000 fans through the gates got to “bring home the MOJO and a Mariners Rally Towel courtesy of Safeco.” Rally towels are too big for washcloths, too small for handtowels, and that means they’re good for just one thing. I’m now the proud owner of three Mariners Come Rags courtesy of Safeco.

We also picked up a pair of “Yankees Suck” T-shirts on the way into the ballparkT-shirts the Ms tried to ban a few years back because they aren’t civil or polite. Seattle is a civil, polite, passive-aggressive kind of town, and wearing or screaming “Yankees Suck” is just too aggressive-aggressive, too New York, for our delicate sensibilities. Before every game the announcer at Safeco reminds fans that shouting “abusive or profane language” isn’t allowed in our baseball park.

So imagine my shock when, walking around the concourse with the kid, I spotted a man wearing a T-shirt that said “It’s Not Going to Suck Itself.” The kid spotted it too, naturally, and read it out loud. Really loud. Then he asked what it meant.


If “Yankees Suck” T-shirts are contraband, and we’re not allowed to shout abusive or profane language, how come this guy was allowed to stroll around the park all night in that T-shirt? It’s easy to explain what “Yankees Suck” means to an 8-year-old: “It means the Yankees are a bunch of steroid-taking, show-boating, money-grubbing jerks, son.” It’s a little harder to explainor come up with a bullshit explanation for”It’s Not Going to Suck Itself.”

The Kid: “What does ‘It’s Not Going to Suck Itself’ mean? What’s `It’?”

Me: “Well, gee, um, it means… `it’ is… um… you see, that man there wants everyone at the ballpark to know that he likes getting blowjobs but that he can’t, or his cock can’t, perform oral sex on himself, or itself, and so he’s letting the person he’s with, that woman standing there, and, again, everyone else at the ballpark know that he expects her to put his penis in her mouthhis penis is `it’and leave it there until he ejaculates because his penis can’t `suck itself,’ meaning it doesn’t have a mouth of its own, so someone else will have to suck his cock for him. Crackerjack?”

Explaining that T-shirt was a lot harder than explaining those pornographic Comeback posters that cover all of Capitol Hill once a month.

The Kid: “What are those men doing, daddy?”

Me: “Roughhousing.”

CommentsRSS icon

Time for a rant! Please tell me, Dan, that you didn't actually say that to your son. Haven't you learned the parental "Wait till you're older" response?

I am all for free speech, but as for X-rated posters, if you are into that stuff, you can find out about it in other, more private ways (Internet, anyone?). There is no reason to publicize it, possibly offending people or confusing the young'uns. And anything with "sucks" on it is just plain vulgar, not funny. Time to grow up, America.

"too New York"?

I understand what you're trying to say, but yelling "Yankees Suck" is a proud Boston tradition, and there's not much New York about it (Mets fans notwithstanding).

You really can't wear a "Yankees Suck" T to Safeco?

Thank you LEVISLADE! As a Boston-based Red Sox fan, I took slight offense at having our battle cry attributed to a member of the evil empire.
Yankees suck and Mariners can't suck it themselves; sounds like a great pairing to me.

There are several things that this brought to mind:
1) The idea that there is some differential of suckiness between the Mariners and Yankees: silly. All pro sports suck.
2) Mariner's double nice double standard: great to point out.
3) Americans, even gay sex advice columnist Americans, are going to have to face up to the fact that kids, even young kids, know a hell of a lot more about sex than we'd prefer to think, that they are usually a little embarassed about knowing about it, and usually have the tact to be quiet about knowing about it. The kid will be fine.
P.S. Stephanie: complaining about vuglarity at a baseball game is like complaining about social stratification at the opera.

Boston doing all the sucking this weekend at Fenway. Nonetheless it has become a popular pastime for everyone and anyone with even a marginal interest in baseball to use the phrase "Yankees Suck". It's not just a Boston-thing anymore.

I'd think that "too New York" would reference booing - The Bronx Cheer. Some of us actually like the Yankees here in NY.

Hey, I get email from 12 year-olds every day. I know that kids know more about sex than most adults would like to believe. But at 8, I'm thinking my kid doesn't know about oral sex yet.

And, no, I didn't say that to my kid about the t-shirt. I said, "I don't know."

As for "Yankees Suck," I suppose I should have said "is too East Coast," not "too New York." Aggressive behavior and screaming and yelling is common over there, not so common here.

Having lived on both coasts and parts in the middle, my experience has been that aggressive behavior, complete with screaming and yelling, is fairly ubiquitous at sporting events in general.

Some "nice" Jazz fans threatened my Mom with physical violence at a game in SL, UT a few years ago.

Poodles are awesome (as long as you don't give them those humiliating haircuts)!

"come rag?"
How tacky.
Try serviette d'amour

Jesus, Dan - your "explanation to the kid" is the funniest thing you have ever written.

Try explaining the guy we saw in Centralia last weekend with "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE BITCH FELL OFF" on the back and "IF IT HAS TITS OR TIRES, THERE'S GONNA BE TROUBLE" on the front. I'd estimate about 300 pounds worth. Several other 300-pounders in the room offered insightful commentary, too, about their own ex-wives and the trouble they'd seen (unlike their dicks, which had obviously been obscured for some time).

I love you, Dan Savage. This is hilarious.

Last month my 6 year old nephew found my leather cock ring (with snaps). "What's this?" he said.
"It's a bracelet," I explained. He wanted to put it on his wrist and show his mommy. I snatched it away.
"You dont need to tell you mommy everything," I said.

" doesn't have a mouth of it's own..."

Two Slog posts in a row that employ "it's" instead of "its"! Sarah and Dan deserve some sort of commemorative plaque.

When I was at Fenway Park in Boston in 2001, outside the stadium they had t-shirts for sale that read:

Yankees Suck! AND JETER SWALLOWS!!!!

Yeah, there's a whole cottage industry of that type of shirt around Fenway. Two of my faves:

"Jeter Sucks A-Rod"

"Bukkake Matsui" (not sure if I spelled that right, but I'm at work and there's no way I'm googling it to check)

And Dan, if it's (please note correct usage) any consolation, many local theatre folk are baseball fans, as well as Ms season ticket holders. Although after a season like this one, I can pretty much guarantee a lot of those tickets will end up being "donated" to fundraising events next year.

I agree with Ivan and Brandon; hilarious post. I don't have kids (thank god!), but I hope if I ever do I have the good sense that You have Dan.

That kid is going to be alright...

my friend amy once sent me a package from her home in los angeles, where i had just visited. inside was one item: a rally towel, emblazoned with the logo for Cialis.

cialis is, of course, the only erectile dysfunction pill that will last up to 36 hours. at least, that's what their website says.

attached to said towel was a simple admonishment: you forgot your come rag.

it is the only proof i have that los angeles has better freebies at sporting events than seattle does.

Baseball is pure American fun. Great to hear that people are out enjoying the game with their kids, and not giving a thought to the war in Israel and Iraq. We can not change our way of life one bit or the terrorist will have one. Baseball, Hotdogs, Television, it's all what makes this country great.

All people who say "all pro sports suck" suck.

Dan, I'm a fan of yours, and the explanation (the fake explanation that I CAN'T BELIEVE a reader thought was real) was hysterically funny. But I have to humorlessly take issue with your "show-boating" reference. I'm a big, lifelong Yankees fan -- come by it honestly and geographically; I'm not a front-runner. In fact, the Yankees sucked for much of the 1980s when I was first passionate about them, and my fellow elementary schoolers on Long Island, most of them Mets fans, wouldn't let me hear the end of it. ANYWAY, since '96, when the Yankees revival began, these have been some profoundly professional guys. Even the temperamental ones, like Sheffield, aren't really show-boaters. And many of them -- Jeter, Pettitte, Mussina, Rivera, Matsui, Posada, and even now Abreu -- are almost the opposite of that. Steroids? Sure, I guess, but no more (and maybe less) than any other big-league team over the past decade. Soaked in money? Yeah, of course. But not show-boaters. Thus endeth my defensive rant. Keep up the good work.

Withdrawn, John Williams.

Dude, you got your MOJO all over my Rally Towel!

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