City The Mariners’ Comeback
Like being a parent or owning a poodle (the breed my son chose when it was time for him to get a dog), the fact that my adult self holds season tickets to the Mariners would rock my teenage theater fag self to his core. But hold `em I do, so I was at Safeco Field last night when the Ms broke their 11-game losing streak by beating the New York Yankees.
We came home with some very special merchandise last night. There was a promotional giveaway at the game: the first 35,000 fans through the gates got to “bring home the MOJO and a Mariners Rally Towel courtesy of Safeco.” Rally towels are too big for washcloths, too small for handtowels, and that means they’re good for just one thing. I’m now the proud owner of three Mariners Come Rags courtesy of Safeco.
We also picked up a pair of “Yankees Suck” T-shirts on the way into the ballparkT-shirts the Ms tried to ban a few years back because they aren’t civil or polite. Seattle is a civil, polite, passive-aggressive kind of town, and wearing or screaming “Yankees Suck” is just too aggressive-aggressive, too New York, for our delicate sensibilities. Before every game the announcer at Safeco reminds fans that shouting “abusive or profane language” isn’t allowed in our baseball park.
So imagine my shock when, walking around the concourse with the kid, I spotted a man wearing a T-shirt that said “It’s Not Going to Suck Itself.” The kid spotted it too, naturally, and read it out loud. Really loud. Then he asked what it meant.
Hm.
If “Yankees Suck” T-shirts are contraband, and we’re not allowed to shout abusive or profane language, how come this guy was allowed to stroll around the park all night in that T-shirt? It’s easy to explain what “Yankees Suck” means to an 8-year-old: “It means the Yankees are a bunch of steroid-taking, show-boating, money-grubbing jerks, son.” It’s a little harder to explainor come up with a bullshit explanation for”It’s Not Going to Suck Itself.”
The Kid: “What does ‘It’s Not Going to Suck Itself’ mean? What’s `It’?”
Me: “Well, gee, um, it means… `it’ is… um… you see, that man there wants everyone at the ballpark to know that he likes getting blowjobs but that he can’t, or his cock can’t, perform oral sex on himself, or itself, and so he’s letting the person he’s with, that woman standing there, and, again, everyone else at the ballpark know that he expects her to put his penis in her mouthhis penis is `it’and leave it there until he ejaculates because his penis can’t `suck itself,’ meaning it doesn’t have a mouth of its own, so someone else will have to suck his cock for him. Crackerjack?”
Explaining that T-shirt was a lot harder than explaining those pornographic Comeback posters that cover all of Capitol Hill once a month.
The Kid: “What are those men doing, daddy?”
Me: “Roughhousing.”
Time for a rant! Please tell me, Dan, that you didn't actually say that to your son. Haven't you learned the parental "Wait till you're older" response?
I am all for free speech, but as for X-rated posters, if you are into that stuff, you can find out about it in other, more private ways (Internet, anyone?). There is no reason to publicize it, possibly offending people or confusing the young'uns. And anything with "sucks" on it is just plain vulgar, not funny. Time to grow up, America.