Homo God’s Glorious Gays
There’s been a lot of Christian bashing on the Slog recently, but today in the news room we received an Envelope of Hope. Or at least I received an Envelope of Hope; Erica C. Barnett and other staffers wouldn’t touch said Envelope because it bulged suspiciously and bore giant Disney postage stamps, so they shuffled it off onto the lowest rung of the short Stranger ladder. The envelope turned out to contain a 23-page manuscript entitled, “Article for publication: The Scriptures and Homosexuality”
Judging by the Constitution-style cursive, the deeply embedded musty smell and the sheer length of the opus, I’d say it’s written by an old guy. That, or it’s from prison. The author doesn’t give his age, but says we have “full and unequivocal permission to call me a `gay Seventh-day Adventist’ if you like, or some other expression, including `Native American gay man’.”
The most immediately legible part of the letter is the post-script, so I read that first. It says we need not fear prosecution for printing his article
“It is in no way `reviling’ the judges, nor is it `libel.’ No, I do not consider the five Supreme Court judges `totally evil.’ The judges are wicked, yes; but they are a mixture of good and evil, and can still do something good, and still fulfill a useful function in society.”
The very lengthy and rather scholarly argument of Native American gay man is that the Bible does not ban “same-sex” marriage because gender is not strictly binary as “the male comes from the woman, so he is a `he-she.’ The woman comes from the male, so she is a `she-he.’” Most of the pages are taken up with debunking traditional interpretations of the anti-gay hot spots in the Bible Leviticus, Romans and explaining God’s true, pro-gay love.
The conclusion gets a bit more Anno Domini:
This is what the Bible has to say about Judges Alexander, C. Johnson, J. Johnson, Madsen, and Sanders: `Now the Spirit expressly says that in the latter times some will depart from the faith… having their own conscience seared with a hot iron, FORBIDDING TO MARRY, and commanding to abstain from breads which God created to be received with thanksgiving…’ Nothing more needs be said about the five pagans who trashed Christ, expressing their utmost contempt for him. End of essay.
I tried to read through the whole letter. I really did. I made it to page three. Thanks for sending it in, anyway, gay Seventh-day Adventist. It’s always nice to know who are our most avid readers.
All religious people are stupid. Christians will not allow gays to marry, and Jews believe god tells them to kill Lebanese women and children. Religion is a farce.