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Monday, July 17, 2006

Escape from Nebraska

Posted by on July 17 at 17:24 PM

If you’re ever in Nebraska—and I hope you never are—don’t camp at the Lake Minature State Park. Windy, hot, flies everywhere, mud-bottomed lake, and, uh, filth. Broken bottles, empty beer cans, dirty diapers, and I swear to God I saw something on the beach that could only have been a used colostomy bag.

So anyway, we got up early and made for the exits—Wyoming was just 40 or so miles away. But Nebraska wasn’t through with us. Our left front tire came apart on a few miles from Scottsbluff, Nebraska.

FlatTire.jpg

Sigh.

TireTow.jpg

The tow truck came.

Tirestore.jpg

And soon we were at a tire place somewhere in the middle of nowhere that, as is the case in the United States these days, looked like it could be anywhere. I once listened to a lecture given by an urban design critic who said—and I paraphrasing here—that, “…the United States is the wealthiest country in the history of the world and it has the ugliest built environment in the history of the world.” It’s too freakin’ true.

Three hours and a hundred bucks later we were in Casper, Wyoming, where we just finished touring the downtown core. We enjoyed visiting the Dick Cheney Federal Building (here’s a better view of Dick’s place), viewing the public art (loved this huge mural on the main drag—that boy is the only person of color we’ve seen for days), and marveling at what has to be the coolest bank building I have ever seen. The banks tower dominates the skyline here and it’s is so freaking cool that I about wet myself when I saw it. Can’t you just picture Angie Dickinson bursting from the building, gun in hand, in hot pursuit of some miscreant? Here’s the tower at sunset. Some parts of America are still beautiful despite our best efforts to destroy the place.

AmericaFuckYeah.JPG

America! Fuck yeah!

(Yeah, yeah: This post is really dull and it’s only of interest to my mother—maybe not even to her—and I’ve wasted a good deal of scarce and precious space here on the Internets with this long post and Beruit is burning and we’re havin’ a heatwave and how dare I? So sue me.)


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Dan wrote:

"(Yeah, yeah: This post is really dull and it’s only of interest to my mother—maybe not even to her—and I’ve wasted a good deal of scarce and precious space here on the Internets with this long post and Beruit is burning and we’re havin’ a heatwave and how dare I? So sue me.)"

I recently noticed that the two colored bars that run vertically down either side of Slog are, in fact, advertisements for various products, purveyors of products, and venues. And in fact, the more people who post topics or comments, the more advertising space is revealed.

Could there be some diabolical ulterior motive to all these travelogues, marxist architecture critiques, night club rants and Darcy Burner frottage?

First Erica C. Barnett (7/12/06) and now Dan. Tales of woe, calling a tow truck for a flat tire.

Pssst. Guys. I'll let you in on a little secret. There is a SPARE tire in the trunk. They even give you a jack to hoist the car up and a crow bar to unscrew the lug nuts.

Does no one on the Stranger staff know how to change a simple flat tire?

* wanders off grumbling, shaking head *

God, I can't believe you drive a CRV! That is so freakin' GAY! Like, even gayer than YOU gay.

But the picture of you and your son is really cute and is probably the best "family vacation" picture ever.

And Napoleon, the bar ends if you scroll down. Scroll down and see for yourself.

Dan, it looks like you drove right past one of the great sights of Wyoming, the justly-famous Jackalope Statue in Douglas.

Pretty certain that's a right front flat.

You're right, Matt, and we did stop in Douglas, N. Got some snaps of the Jackalop, had a great BLT and malt at a sandwich place up the street, and bought a set of eight World's Fair glasses at a resale shop...

Matt wrote:

"Pretty certain that's a right front flat."

Ayup. More like yer right front blow-out, to be particular.

That one'll cost you 'bout $400 dollars and a night in the shop, conservative.

Being originally from Nebraska (omaha to be precise), I can confirm Dan's assertion about avoiding NE -- besides a sometimes lively music scene in Omaha.... you've got miles of empty Anywhere, USA.

fortunately, they've got a 75 mph speed limit to get you through quicker.

Amtrak has the right idea. They schedule their western trains so that you go through the shithole states at night.

The architecture of that Wells Fargo branch looked so eerily familiar to me that I had to do some googling.


The building was originally the Wyoming National Bank, and the architect was Charles Deaton.


Deaton also designed the "Sculptured House" outside of Denver, which featured prominently in the 1973 film "Sleeper." You know, the Woody Allen one with the Orgasmitron and the giant vegetables.

Ooooh, additional fun fact: The Orgasmitron in the film was actually an architectural element of Deaton's building.


The house has, get this, a round elevator that was used, unmodified, as the sex machine in the film.

Dan, I love your posts. The pic of the tow truck is poignant.

Also, Catalina: hilarious!

Dan, I Heart You, you are Seattle's Only Editor, but I am shocked - shocked! - that you'd drive a CRV [grin]. Does the CRV come with stuffed animals and nightlights, or what?

Oooh, double-bonus for that Wells Fargo building. That tower look suspiciously like it's camoflage for a cellphone tower (the three-sided top is a giveaway). Retro-futuristic cool AND functional? Wet myself, indeed.

I just got back from a road trip in California, and it's amazing what people are coming up with to camoflage cellphone towers. Why can we in Washington give CA a run for it's money? All I see here are boring old steel monstrosities...

I had the same reaction as SDA- you don't know how to change a freakin' flat tire?? That is so lame!! Or maybe you just didn't have a spare, which is even more lame, and dangerous. What if it had happened in the middle of the night in that god forsaken land? You just reinforced every Nebraskan's stereotype of those fruity fags from Seattle. Way to go.

Your husband is SO HOT.

Maybe he does now how to change a tire but then maybe it was easier to just call for a tow truck since the van was full of gear and the tire would have to be changed anyway because spares are not that great for driving far on anymore. They get you to a mechanic to have the whole tire replaced anyway.
I guess someone like Dan Savage could post the most innocent of images and still get berated by people over being gay and stereotypically thinking he is unable to do certain things like change a tire. It gets tedious reading the silly attacks instead of treating the images he posted as simply fun travel pics with his family with a bit of adventure.

Seriously, spare tires aren't worth a damn. They could barely get a tricycle to the next service station. Good call getting a tow and a new (real) tire. If you have AAA, might as well use it, right? That mural is fantastic. I wish we had more art like that in this town. A lot of brick walls bordering parking lots, and the like, could use it, instead of those damn Wyland dolphin paintings.

I moved to Seattle from Nebraska eight years ago so I'm now a "Seattle Native" and I can think of no better argument for density than Nebraska. My god what an ugly empty place. I love Seattle and would love to see downtown packed with tall buildings to be as unlike Nebraska as possible. (Does anyone know what kind of SUV is in the photos? I'm looking to buy one.)

We miss you, Dan.

I could care less about what's happening in the Middle East. Politics bore me. But I love Dan. Thanks for the update on your trip cutie.

Beautiful post Dan. Enjoy your vacation without worries. The islamo-terrorists are getting their asses kicked by Israel and America while we vacation with our families. All is well in the world.

Don't get me wrong. I adore Dan. I just think it is hilarious/sad/ironic/pitiful that nobody at the Stranger seems to be able to change a flat tire.

And between the photo of Dan's boys at the baseball stadium, and the photo of Dan's boys and the tow truck, I think Dan has a theme going here. Second career? Too cute for words!

All we need next are Dan's boys with puppies and kittens. By the way, when are we going to hear from you about the NY Ct. of Appeals decisions (followed by the 8th Circuit's abortion of judicial reasoning?).

Love,

J

Daaaad... How long before we get to Wally World??

Isn't that a full-size spare tire mounted on the back of your CRV? Right behind the bicycle? The tire place looks just like the one I went to in Wells, NV when my tire blew out a 100 miles between Wendover and anwhere else in NV.

What I want to know is how the tow truck driver reacted when he found out he was towing two gay men and their kid?

-Michael

While I deplore the antigay tone of some of the comments re: the flat tire, I have to concede the point that a straight guy would’ve probably handled it differently:

A heterosexual man would’ve wasted inordinate time and effort changing the flat himself, in the sweltering heat, while on vacation, while his bored family waits wilting in the sun and his exasperated wife repeatedly begs “George, can’t we PLEASE just call a tow truck, what are we paying the AAA membership for, anyway?”.

“No… wait... I’ve… almost… got... it,” he would grunt in ten minute intervals, struggling and fumbling as he attempts to remove the damaged tire with his spindly straight-boy arms. Finally, after 2 hours, with grimy hands, and sweaty, wrinkled clothes, he would proudly and triumphantly announce that they’re back in business. They would then pile back in the car to drive the 15 minutes to the gas station so that a mechanic could remove the spare and replace it with a new tire. Days later, after returning home, he’d swagger up to his buddies and say, “Yep… tire blew out while passing through Nebraska, but I took care of it.”

Un-amused wife and kid seen standing behind him, rolling eyes…

Oh, c'mon Erika, that's just as bad as the stereotypical "gay men can't change flat tires" canard.

Jeebuz On A Ritz Cracker, we're not talking rocket science here: you seat the jack, pop the hubcap, crack four lug nuts, jack 'er up, remove the lugs, pull the flat, put on the spare, tighten the lugs, lower the car, tighten the lugs again, replace the hubcap, put everything back in the trunk and - voila! You're on your way.

Even somebody who's never changed a tire in their life shouldn't require more than 10 minutes max - unless any of the lugs bind or, as others have noted, you have one of those wimpy little wheelbarrow tires for a spare, in which case you DO call AAA.

I'm planning a driving vacation this year too and plan to enjoy every minute of it. If the islamo-terrorists make us change our way of life, they've won. Gas is still pretty cheap, and American's economy is stong, so why not enjoy ourselves? I will learn to change tires first though :)

I don't drive a CRV. My boyfriend does. I don't drive at all. And we've got AAA, so why not get towed? Particularly when we needed to have all the tires checked out before we went roaring toward Wyoming?

Thank you Comte, for your reasonable comments. And yes, that IS a full size tire. There's just no excuse - they spent how many hours on a project that they could have done themselves in literally 15 minutes. I just get impatient with ANYONE who is not able to fend for themselves, beit the streets of Seattle or the wilderness of Nebraska. God help you Dan if you ever go to Alaska! lol

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