Arts The Freykis Files
Hello citizens of the Slog.
If you are just joining the Freykis Fiesta, you can quickly get yourself up to speed here.
(Long story short: Gay-hating, allegedly Christian freak sends typo-packed hate mail to a member of the media, member of the media shares hate mail with readers, and all Hell breaks loose, in a bunch of bizarre and hilarious directions.)
In the synopsis linked above, I claim the saga started on April 12, when Daniel Freykis sent his premiere email to me. Actually, initial contact was established one day earlier, with a letter to the editor from brother Richard Freykis:
Ha ha ha! Man, did I just have the best lunch- I grabbed a sandwich and a copy of the Stranger, sat down and read a 50,000 word article about guys fucking each other in the ass and all of ‘em getting AIDS and then- here’s the kicker!- the writer blamed it on the building!!!!!! Oh, you guys slaaaaay me- what, is it a poltergeist who hates queers? Ha ha ha, a billion rim jobs going on and you fucking sick perverts wonder why you all have cold sores- you’re SICK FAGGOTS and you’re all going to die from AIDS and that is just nature taking out the trash! And you sickos want to get married. Over my dead body, you freaks! Listen, motherfuckers- you are just a propaganda service for ass fucking homo trash, and when I moved to my new condo I didn’t pay half a million dollars to have a bunch of cocksucking faggots in the street with your “pride”- “oooh, look at me, I’m so proud to eat shit and get fist fucked”…listen here, cum sucker, that to me is OBSCENITY and if some little innocent child should get hold of it YOU could go to jail! You probably want to jst entice them so you can ass rape them anyway huh, you and your fucking perverted goddamn pedophile freidns! Isn’t 18 young enough, you worthless little AIDS victim??? Say hi to all your faggot buddies- I mean, if you consider putting flowers on their gaves ‘cos they’re all dead of AIDS saying hi! Ha ha faggot, millions read your story adn now the word is out- queer homos are NOT reformed, your worse than ever and you will NEVER get the right to marry!!!! You will all die and burn in hell you fucking assholes. Go suck shit out of your boyfriend’s asshole, douche and I’ll laugh when your skinny faggot ass dies of AIDS!!!!!!
The “50,000 word article about guys fucking each other” that Richard references is Christopher Frizzelle’s Bleak House, which is only about 6,000 words long and (brilliantly) covers a whole lot more than guys fucking each other. However, Richard’s letter is clearly the inspiration for the letter that would soon arrive from Daniel, who picked up his elder brother’s barely coherent fury and made it his own, promptly giving the world an immortal catchphrase.
Speaking of Daniel Freykis’s impressionability: A couple weeks after the initial hubbub, I received this email from a man I’ll call Pastor X, who claimed to be Daniel Freykis’ “teacher”:
First of all, let me assure you that this is no idle letter of enmity or mere threat. My God commands me to go unto the wicked (Ge 6:5, Ps 5:4) and speak plainly and in truth (Ps 15:2, Ro 9:1) and that must be done as His will is my command. I am not writing to assail or engage in the contumely pastimes of your culture and the death it represents. I am, however, writing with great indignity and sorrow for the horrible campaign of slander you have effected against one of my dearest young friends, Daniel Freykis. You are a shameful lot, yet why is it that I know you do not tremble in the presence of great evil (Ex 15:14)? Disagreements are fine, and you people have many rights in this land which were never intended by our Founding Fathers (perhaps you should stop your campaigns of slander for a moment and read the Constitution?), yet have them you do nonetheless. This is not the time to engage in the ultimate results and dispensations germane to such proclivities and the wickedness of the nations (Eze 5:6) which has allowed such crimes- yes, even encouraged them. For now, let me tell you that while you may find it amusing to your sinful pride and hearts to engage in this organized campaign of terror against Daniel, there are ways in which the guilty may be punished, even in this whore of Babylon (Eze 23:17) unto which our Great Republic has seemingly been fallen. You homosexuals and your militant agenda are not the only ones with rights, damn you, and you have gone too far this time. Publishing this boy’s name and then going the extra step to initiate some kind of clothing line simply to defame him- and for what? He would not become as you are? NO! For he is a Child of Christ (1Jo 2:1) and not of your wiles, wills and excretions. This is not going to end anytime soon. Your militancy is not but a joke; it is slander, and it is illegal. You- and your co-conspirator- will answer to the laws of this country, of which Christians are still (barely) acknowledged as citizens thereof. I have friends in the national media. You will rue the day when you attacked one of MY friends. For I am his teacher, yes, but also have I learned from him. It is this wisdom you SODOMITES cannot stand; so now you must pay.
After reading his letter, I wondered if Pastor X was aware of the email Daniel sent to instigate this whole brouhahathe original “GOD FUCKING HATES YOU MAN!!!!!!! GO live in France pussy you faggots!!!!” letter. I also wondered if Pastor X didn’t think his time might be better spent helping Daniel become a less atrocious Christian, rather than defending him to media outlets to which he’s sent hate mail. I forwarded these questions (along with Daniel’s hate-packed email) to him, and got this response:
This is not the work of my friend Daniel. It is obviously a forgery. The Bloodlust has gone too far (2Ki 12:20). Christians have “had it” with being second class citizens. But, like the Romans, pushing one’s luck in the face of the immutable, ineffable laws of the universe leads only to obloquy and scorn. I will speak to young Daniel, and then from there a plan of battle.
After this, only silence…until yesterday’s “look what you have wrought!” missive from brother Richard Freykis.
Which brings us up to date, and leaves me with two major questions:
1. What if this is all some post-postmodern, post-post gay, and totally amazing joke? It’s not beyond the realm of possibility, and it’s great to imagine that God would never allow his children to be this stupid and hateful for real, but…I doubt it. (However, if it is a joke, the instigators will be the recipients of my eternal worship.)
2. What if these freaks are real, and really well-armed? A distinct possibility, but what are you gonna do? If I’m not allowed to defuse the spite hurled at me by enjoying it like a fascinating documentary (and sharing it with others), I may as well already be shot dead by two gay-hating brothers on the street.
Final mystery: Exactly how old is this poor Daniel Freykis? Judging by his cussing and fury, I’d guess at least 22. Judging by his spelling, I’d say eighteen months, with brain damage. Still, both Pastor X and brother Richard seem to treat Daniel as a kid who needs protecting, so maybe his “all fags should die!” letter-writing campaign is just a phase he’ll grow out of….a boy can dream…
My satanic most certainly will be.
I'm so glad the Freykis fracas is up and running again.