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Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Shall I Compare Thee to My Big, Fat Ass?

Posted by on May 9 at 14:28 PM

I just went and got my mail, and this came from some outfit called the Academy of American Poets:

Dear Dan Savage,

Today it give me great pleasure to invite you to become an Associate Member of the Academy of American Poets.

As Chairman of the Academy, I very much hope you will accept.

In joining us now, you will enter into a new and exciting relationship with the best American poets of today and tomorrow. You will receive public recognition for your role in nurturing the art of poetry.

[blah blah fuckin’ blah]

Sincerely,

Eunice J. Panetta
Chariman

Uh, Eunice?

We’re not exactly nurturing poets here at The Stranger. I can safely speak for everyone at the paper when I say that we hate poetry, and we’ve done all we can to stamp out your insipid little “art form.” The Stranger has never knowingly published poetry. Give us a call when you bitches start rhyming again—maybe then we’ll think about publishing poetry. Until that day comes, you can keep your Academy, your form letters, and your special membership gift—”a copy of our latest DVD, The Poet’s View, a $20 value… that I believe you will enjoy immensely.” If you believe that, Eunice, it would give me great pleasure to invite you to become an Associate Member of my Big, Fat Ass.


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Watch out Dan or I'll let the kids know you used to produce Shakespeare plays. That's some real weird crap they talk, dude.

Yes! And it rhymes! Or a lot of it does—the poetry sections.

I work at The Stranger and I love poetry!

Good thing you disguised your name, Bee.

Hey Dan, while you are at it, can you make Charles talk normal? What's with that guy?

"poetry is news that stays news"

Permanent news! Guess that would pretty much put you out of business. . . .

"Maggie May" is permanent news to me.

Ezra Pound once called the city of New York the "eternal goat."

As far as fascist sons of bitches go, T.S. Eliot is a lot better. "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" rhymes exactly the right amoung of the time.

If it weren't for poetry, we wouldn't know the names of such Texas poets laureate as Lexie Dean Robertson, Dollilee Davis Smith, Edith Rayzor Canant, Florice Stripling Jeffers, Patsy Stodghill, Dorothy B. Elfstroman, Ruth Carruth, Mildred Crabtree Speer, Cleatus Rattan, and Red Steagal. I didn't make any of those up!

The Stranger Haiku from 7 or 8 years ago was PRICELESS!

My favorite has the last line "Night, savage felching". I wish I could remember the rest. HA!

Cheers!
BDL

The Academy of American Poets is, of course, a scam. This particular scam wants you to spend a bunch of money to see your poetry in print in their annual book. It doesn't matter how bad your writing is- as long as you pay, they will print it.

A similar scam was the ad in the back of 70's comic books convincing the reader of his or her talent. By paying money to the studio, some musicians set your pop-music 'lyrics' to music. Again, it didn't matter how bad your lyrics were. Money made you into a genius.

The proof of all this is the amazing 'Blind Man's Penis,' which was written by some California dope fiend in an effort to write lyrics so offensive that even the scammers wouldn't touch it. It didn't work. The result is this amazing 'classic hit,' now turned into a flash animation video. Check it out:
http://users3.ev1.net/~rootstudio/flash/blindman.htm

god, i hate poetry. except for haiku. for charles, without whom i would not have had "maggie may" running through my head all day:

a tuesday soundtrack
inspired by mudede
you stole my heart? yes.

and I LOVE that he totally can't spell "Chairman"... Come on, dude.

and I LOVE that he totally can't spell "Chairman"... Come on, dude.

Hey Dan tell us how you really feel.

Failed poets become short story writers, failed short story writers become novelists, failed novelists become journalists.

failed journalists become critics...?

Dude, the Academy of American Poets is not a scam. You're thinking of Poetry.com, which will publish anything you send them. Poetry.com is run by some organization that tries to sound like the Academy, but it's not. Love it or hate it, the Academy is legit.

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