Earlier today, Savage slogged about “The High Price of a Nice Lawn,” directing readers to a London Free Press report about pesticide-contaminated water’s power to reduce penis size.

The threat of reduced wang size may seem petty, but try telling that to the parents of the 18-year-old in Singapore who jumped to his death from a tall building over what he perceived to be his inappropriately small penis.

Clearly, pretty lawns lead to small penises lead to suicide.