Two things I, as your mother, feel compelled to clarify.(Before your brother does.) First, you were at least 16 when you wrote that...and, Second, ...wasn't Captain Jack actually Landscaper Jesus? Was it not a muey bueno Mexican Food dinner? Or did you do an entire series that your brother and I missed?
You know, Jesus's 'powerful alien biceps' still flex 'hotly' as he 'passionately plows the tender spring blades of dewy moist grass'...
or our lawn.
Front and back. Sometimes he...weed eats.
Come home,
Mom

Wow, that's the hottest thing ever. They were going to eat her heaving womb? Fabulous. "Hairy curtain"? Wow. You are very brave. My teenaged shameful writings mostly include (blessedly illegible) stoner ramblings and possibly some long-since burnt poetry about boobs. And fruit. Compare and contrast, that sort of thing. I ain't readin' it out loud .

So far Cienna, it's looking like you will be keeping your money...

Oh, wait -- I could read from a selection of my slog posts, chosen by any of my many haters, would that count?

I literally just laughed so hard that I had an asthma-like coughing fit, inspiring my co-workers to think that I am both dying and insane. God how I wish I could be there tonight....please, for your newest fans, can't you post more of the novel?

And, shit, your mom read this? Damn.....

Holy hell: we've been SLOGged! The Jewelbox theater only holds 60 people, so y'all better get there *real* early if you want a seat.

(And fnarf: no, that wouldn't count. Nice try, though!)

I've been holding on to the "how I lost my virginity to a Born-Again Christian" story since the last Salon of Shame; this time I'm reading it!

I recall being 11 and writing a play, maybe it was a musical, about a family and their various triumphs and tragedies. Siblings and cousins were to play the various roles and would stage it in the my family's basement. The songs were all parodies of popular 80s songs, a la Weird Al.

In thinking about it years later, I'm glad the thing never saw the light of day. I'm also glad the family PC didn't have a printer so no hard copy could possibly exist today.

It's amazing what seems like a good idea at the time.

Best of luck with the womb thing Cienna.

When I was 12 I wrote a rock opera called: The Sloven.

When I was 32 I wrote an opera called: I, Clone.

They are both excellent.

Josh, I want to hear both operas. Seriously.

Mother, you are far more embarrassing than my failed attempts at romance writing. (And I was 13, you hooker.)

*kisses*

"heaving womb"

that sounds like catholic porn!

Yes, Josh: I'm totally recruiting you for the Salon in July.

Heaving womb!!! Oh man, I'm sure the genocide guy is gonna get me for saying this, but this is the best post of the week already.

I'm thinking about quitting my job, just so I can be at the Rendezvous to hear this.

And please don't call your mother a hooker so close to Mother's Day.

Despite the terrible writing, I love the story concept.

"Spider senses tingling..."

Josh, when are we gonna finally realize the majesty that is I, Clone?

oh, cienna madrid.

i have been enchanted by your name since first seeing it in print. my admiration has only grown with time; yours is a byline i actively seek when perusing both the stranger and slog.

you really bumped my adoration up a notch today with this line: her long hair flowing like a hairy curtain.

jesus christ.

if i were a man, i would drop to my knee and propose. if i were a lesbian, i would attempt to coerce you into a same sex union. as other readers have astutely pointed out, you've got a set of gams on you.

alas, eating at the Y has never been my bag and i am not interested in a sex change. i'll just have to continue my cienna crush in a platonic manner.

but, really. her heaving womb? good lord.

I had a heaving womb once, but then I realized I'm a man. Just gas.

No kidding. Next time I haven't had sex since Thanksgiving I'm going to get a job at The Stranger and make half the city have a crush on me. Oh... damn. But, well done!

I and a ton of other people who won't be among the sixty that make it in would love to hear how this goes.

Sorry Harrop (and the rest of "half of the city"), I got my marriage proposal in ages ago. Granted, I'm already betrothed to former Stranger staffer Kara Hoppe and I just moved in with my boyfriend, but Ms. Madrid could drive anyone to bisexual polygamy. Seriously though, direct praise should be given to Mr. Schmader, who plucked her resume from his avalanche of intern applications and brought her into our world.

Cienna-Your reading was the best of the night, no question. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Thank you so much for the theraputic belly laugh. I hope there's more where that came from.
"Tentatively humping"-bwaw!