What the Holy Hell—Dave Reichert’s kickoff campaign
I got myself up at the butt crack of dawn this morning (5:50 am) to prepare for Congressman Dave Reichert’s official campaign kickoff at the Meydenbauer Center in Bellevue with Eli Sanders. I’ve never been to a campaign kickoff or seen Reichert speak, so I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to catch a few words from the Republican incumbent defending his seat from tenacious newbie Darcy Burner.
When Eli proposed our date (romantics, take note) I had trouble imagining what sort of people would be down to party on a Tuesday morning. Would there even be a crowd? I mean, 7:30 am doesn’t scream “FUN!” like an evening of body shots or limbo races, but maybe I just don’t know how to party.
When we arrived outside the Bellevue center, handfuls of men and women were scattered around the block to protest Reichert’s kickoff. Some were wearing nifty T-shirts, like this one:
There was one lonely (but very handsome) Republican man with a suit and sign outside, who would not allow us to take his picture. In fact, he snapped like a rabid dog when we tried. Inside, more suited men and women were seated nine to a table at about 90 tables in the room. They were happily eating eggs, parsley, potatoes, bacon, and sausage. The crowd was plump but there was not a body shot in site.
As people ate, men and women in suits flattered Reichert onstage. It might have been the early hour but the opening speeches were generic and lackluster, “Dave Reichert is a strong Congressman who has met and exceeded his campaign promises…he knows how to lead…” until King County Prosecutor Norman Maleng stepped up to the podium. As a highly influential and assumedly well-respected prosecutor, I expected great things from him. This is what I got: “Did you know that the president still refers to Reichert as `Sheriff’?” That was it. That was his story. It didn’t end with a heroic account of when Reichert was sheriff, Maleng just kinda trailed off after that. I kept waiting for something else. Does The Sheriff call the prez `Tex’? Was Maleng going to break into a little free rap/theme song to get the crowd pumped?
Uhh..
Wicki-wild wild
Wicki-wicki-wild
Wicki-wild
Wicki-wicki Wild Wild West
Jim West, desperado
Rough rider, no you don’t want nada
None of this, six-gunnin this, brother runnin this
Buffalo soldier, look it’s like I told ya
Any damsel that’s in distress
be outta that dress when she meet Jim West
Rough neck so go check the law and abide…
“Welcome to the Reichllenium, (bitches),” he could have said to the thunderous applause of all (or at least me). Alas, he did not. That story went nowhere, which became the trademark of the morning.
Team Reichert presents: Stories that go nowhere.
When Reichert took the stage, I wanted him to launch into what he stands for, what his party stands for, what he hopes to accomplish, etc. I wanted meat. I wanted to be able to size him up. Instead, this is what I got:
“President Bush’s tax cuts are working… Change is tough…Dreams are still happening. I read Dr. Seuss the other day….” Which flourished into a story about a little boy Reichert spoke with who wishes to grow up and be a paper cup stacker, and how he, Reichert, wants to help create a nation where this little boy can follow his dreams and stack cups for a living. People in the audience were nodding their heads as if they, too, wanted to help poor children learn to stack cups. Like their plates of soggy eggs, the crowd appeared to be lapping Reichert’s bizarre ranting up.
Reichert also spoke of having a recent man-to-man chat with Cheney to dispel rumors that he was avoiding the VP because of his low approval ratings, “and then [Cheney] offered to campaign for my opponent!” The audience guffawed. I winced. When is joking about your colleague’s low approval ratings good campaign kickoff humor? God, did I need a body shot. Instead, I was forced to start scanning the crowd in search of one person whom I would mate with and then eat, if I had to mate with and then eat anyone in the room.
However, not even my lighthearted fantasies could block Reichert’s freakish speech out. Unless I heard incorrectly, he next launched into a story about how his grandson was born a meth-baby, and that this child weighed two pounds and had burning bowel movements at birth. Meanwhile, people bravely continued eating their bacon and eggs.
“Is this a man who should be representing anyone?” I wondered. I couldn’t even imagine laying eggs in his chest cavity, let alone voting for him. Continuing with his theme of child hood horrors, Reichert then talked about his godson, who was diagnosed with cancer at the age of one and was still fighting it at age 11. He even did an impression of the suffering (and assumedly very sick) child rasping, “I love you.” And still the masses ate and nodded.
I couldn’t find any sort of campaign promise or even a point buried in Reichert’s 13 minute, uh, kickoff. Sad anecdotes, yes. Heart wrenchingly sad. But nothing to reinforce his image as an able Congressman, or even as a noble sheriff, as I suppose Melang’s feeble reference to the president attempted to do.
Reichert finished his speech by announcing that he was the only Republican congressman in western Washington or Oregon, and that it made him feel “lonely.” With that odd wrap up, he left the stage to the tune of Hail to the Chief. As the masses cleared out of the room, Normal Maleng reclaimed the microphone to tell the crowd, “God Bless you, Real Good.”
In summation, I am not making this shit up. It was really fucking weird.
Surreal.
Was this an attempt to discourage further dates with Eli? I know *I'd* be worried. . .