Dear readers: As some of you undoubtedly recall, in the Stranger issue that hit streets on Thursday, March 23, we announced a Kaption Kontest, inviting readers to submit, uh, “kaptions” for a single-frame cartoon, with a promise of $10 in quarters and a half-pound of ham for the writer of the best entry.

The cartoon was commissioned from artist Danny Hellman, who did a great job of drawing exactly the scenario I described: A man who’s just murdered his entire family, and is now on the phone.

This joke wasn’t that funny to begin with (which was sort of the point) but after the tragic events of Saturday, March 25, it became the least funny thing in the world. The “Kaption Kontest” was relegated to the pre-Capitol Hill massacre history bin, and we resumed filling the “New Column!” space with fake celebrity columns that rhyme, which never offended nobody (except Sandra Oh’s lawyer; more on that in the forthcoming issue.)

Then, yesterday, I received this email from one David Massie:

“Did you guys ever declare a winner for the Kaption Kontest? WHAT ABOUT THE HAM?? Millions are starving, waiting for word on whether or not to shop for meat, fearing a deluge of pork may send them into cardiac overload. Please, please! Tell us! OH GOD!!”

And so, in light of the growing distance between the cartoon scenario and its horrific real-life correlative, we’re finally announcing a winner in the Kaption Kontest.

(For a reminder of the image being captioned, click here.)

Before the announcement of the winner, a survey of the runners-up:

Unsurprisingly, the majority of submitted captions dealt with the ordering of pizza. Surprisingly, one of these pizza-themed captions--submitted by Derrick Boehmer--was actually funny: "Now that we're all in agreement, we're going with pepperoni..."

Other popular reference points for captions included current events ("It wasn't me, it was the Ambien!"), religion ("Yes sir, just like you told me. What's next Jesus?"), popular film ("You sendin' The Wolf? Shit Negro, that's all you had to say!"), and classic comedy ("We call ourselves The Aristocrats!").

Several other contestants gained comedic traction from local name-checking, including Chuck Mathias ("Hello, Archie McPhee? About this gag gun you sold me...") and Tom Dixon ("Bob? It turns out I can meet you at the 1200 Bistro.”).

And now to the top three:

Second runner-up: Andrew Whitecar, "Hello, Star Trek? Please turn off the holodeck."

First runner-up: Dartanion London, "Baseball is played differently in Armenia."

And the winner: Matthew Wilemski, "Hello? Is this Danny? How come your kontest doesn't seem so funny anymore?"

Thanks to all who entered. Matthew Wilemski, get ready to receive your roll of quarters and half pound of ham.