I had heard rumors about this, but two ladies at a party on Saturday night gave me an official sighting (shout-out to Natalie and Elaine): some piece of shit is impersonating Party Crasher. This piece of shit’s modus operandi goes as follows: he buzzes in to an apartment or walks into a house where a party is going on, announces himself as Paul Constant, the Party Crasher, and then…well…crashes the party.
To the Seattle House-Partygoing Public, I offer these warning signs that your Party is being Crashed by this fraudulent piece of shit:
1. If nobody at your party invited email@example.com, it’s probably not me.
2. I hear that this piece of shit doesn’t take notes at all. I pretty much have a notebook in my hand the whole time I’m at a party.
3. I also take pictures at the parties I attend, and everyone who has a picture taken has to fill out and sign an Official Stranger Photo Release Form. The piece of shit in question doesn’t take pictures, and doesn’t have release forms.
4. This piece of shit promises that your party will be in the next week’s Stranger and then it never shows up.
5. The piece of shit asks to kiss your cheek, or generally does anything cheeky at all. I am a Goddamned Professional who judges the Quality and Timbre of parties, whereas this piece of shit is probably some sort of dog-fucking pervert (which is illegal in Washington now, BTW.) I never hit on anyone while on the job.
And if you’re in doubt about whether your Party Crasher is the real Party Crasher, please ask to see my driver’s license…I’ll gladly show it to you, and I have never lost or misplaced it or not had my driver’s license on me. If the driver’s license doesn’t say Paul Robert Constant, this isn’t the Party Crasher. Tell him to leave, or call the fucking police.
None of the stories that I’ve heard make the piece of shit Faux-Party-Crasher out to be any sort of a sophisticated con man. He doesn’t have access to my e-mail, he’s probably just some harmless, nerdy piece of shit who saw a party or two (private parties that didn’t invite Party Crasher in the first place) and decided to ride on my cache. But I’m seriously pissed off that some schmuck (by all accounts, a normal-looking bland little white guy) is using my name, and I’m pissed off that people think they’re going to get written up, when really they’re entertaining some piece of shit who can’t make his own goddamn friends. And then these people are disappointed that their parties didn’t get written up.
If you think you’ve been crashed by this piece of shit, please add a Comment to this story, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org with as many details as you can recall. And I’m sorry about using up so much valuable Slog-space, but I need to include an Open Letter to this Goddamn Piece of Shit.
Dear Pathetic Goddamn Piece of Shit:
What you are doing is creepy, illegal, and wrong. I think that you probably just Crashed a couple Parties in a desperate and misguided effort to make friends, but if you’re going to continue this, you will be caught. You will be exposed for the creepy piece of shit you are. And I’m fairly certain that you can be prosecuted for Identity Theft, or at least Fraud. I will press those charges without question. So fuck you.
Now I would like to officially challenge you, you piece of shit, to a Kung-Fu Steel-Cage Match to the Death.
In conclusion: Fuck off and die. You piece of shit.
Paul Bobby Constant
To the rest of the Shouldn’t-You-Be-Working Masses, I thank you for your time and I apologize for all the cusswords. Enjoy the remainder of your beautiful Monday.