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Monday, March 6, 2006

I’m Sitting in a Hotel Lobby…

Posted by on March 6 at 21:29 PM

…in North Carolina, of all places, listening as a man picks up a woman. The lobby is entirely empty, save for the three of us. They’re sitting at the bar, which is closed. I’m sitting on the other side of the lobby, but I can hear everything they’re saying. They’re having one of those long, weird, touch-on-everything conversations that only strangers ever do. They’re talking. And talking. He’s much older, maybe 50, she looks 25. They just finished a long conversation about his hairhe doesn’t have any, and he claims he isn’t bald. He just shaves his head because he likes the look.

He just said, “I have to tell you that I really, and honestly, think you’re wise beyond your years.” Then he asked her to speak her mind”…tell me anything.”

Here’s a sample of the piss elegance that infuses this Italian-themed lobby…


Cherubs! Lots of them! Everywhere!

Now the man and the woman at the bar are talking about running.

Him: “I’ve run a 4:40 mile.”

Her: “Really? Get out!”

Him: “Yes, it’s true. That’s why I’m fat now.”

Huh? He goes on to explain that he was once such an accomplished runner that he was sure he would be able to get fit again quickly, so he let himself go for a few years. See how that works?

Now they’re talking about dogsshe’s saying that she hates it when people let their dogs jump on them. He says she has to deal with thatthat she has to get over that phobia. She would love his dog, even if his dog jumped on her. Indeed.

Him: “Tell you what, I won’t compare you with my ex-wife if you don’t compare me with your ex-boyfriend.”

Her: “Have you dated a lot since your divorce.”

Him: “No. I’m a good-looking guy”

Her: (Laughs)

Him: “You’re not supposed to laugh. I don’t know how to say this. I’m kinda quiet. You may find that incongrous. And I can have sex all week, I can go out and drink, and do all sorts of crazy things. I’m not lonely, and I’m not looking for marriage. You want me to tell you the truth?”

Her: “Sure.”

Him: “I kind of have really high standards. I want to be with someone intelligent, athletic, competative. I want to get on the racketball courts and do left-handed racketball and have her give me shit about beating me.”

Her: “Makes sense.”

Him: “I did the rebound things. How do I say this nicely. I’m male, I don’t turn down sex. But I’m not a whore.”

Her: “Yeah.”

Him: “But I don’t have sex often.”

Her: “Yeah, yeah. Well. Some people don’t.”

Him: “But I’m not pathetic.”

Her: “No, no.”

CommentsRSS icon

Thank god Dan Savage can now blog from anywhere! The world he witnesses is so profound! Every moment should be blogged, lest it be lost to the ages! He is a genius! Reinventing journalism!

Did the fat bald middle-aged guy ever get around to mentioning that he's never paid for sex, at which point the 25-year-old bar girl lost professional interest?

Him: You know what? I can't lie to you. You caught me, I am pathetic.
Her: I know.

Was some guy standing behind the girl holding cue cards?

Exponenshell -- I'll help you to not obsess on Dan's blogging. I find that if you might get away and concentrate on something else, you might recover from your expectant disappointments a la Dan's doings.
OK, Get a hummingbird feeder, install it, and use the following recipe for the nectar:
3 C Water
1 C Sugar
Boil water, stir in sugar until dissolved, then take off heat and let cool. Fill feeder. Stored remainder will not spoil.
Remember, adding red coloring is not necessary, and in fact it can harm the hummingbirds. They will be attracted just fine by the coloring of the feeder. And NEVER use honey or any artificial sweeteners. These substances can kill hummingbirds. ONLY USE WHITE SUGAR!
My point? Here is something to use in any hotel lobby interlude -- in fact in any conversations with women you might want to sleep with. Among other things, your slyly-inserted profession of your dedication to this tiny bird (and I caution here that once you put up a feeder you will have to remain committed to the birds that will inevitably come to rely on you) will show you as a the kind of man that drives a certain kind of female heartstring fishing-lure crazy.
It works! And the resulting sexyiness and highly probable sex is something that will never be forgotten by either party.
If the right woman strikes at this lure of yours, your penchant for and care of the tiniest of birds can be a wonderful aspect of a long-lasting relationship.

Him: “But I’m not pathetic.”
Her: "No, no"

..I think this is definately one of the few times a woman can say "no" with her mouth but "yes, dear god, yes!" with her eyes..

I do what I can, Exponenshell.

But I agree that, despite the infinate space of the Internet, no blog posts should ever be trivial. You're too busy a man for that, I and apologize for wasting your time.

If exponenshell was so busy with their time, why are the reading blogs? and, why are they wasting time to responde?

Where is Skeeter when you need him?

I have been that girl SO MANY TIMES! See how creepy it is guys? See?




'caught him in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine...'

I cant believe it took 12 posts for someone to make that joke.


But wait.....................

They went upstairs with each other,
boredom, adventure or just rankly, skankly horny?.........

Next afternoon, jaded greying Dan is still sitting in the lobby, just glad to get out of Seattle........

Sme couple appears.........overheard in that intimate gurrgle, "I have never had three housrs of such sex in my life. If my mother ever finds out" .... and they head upstairs again.

Dan is rethinking his whole life- it can't be true that boring people can fuck like fiends. And one is fifty, sweet Jesus, as goes the old saying.....

Oh well.........third day, jaded greying Dan is still in the lobby, now waiting for the couple who have given new meaning to the tem vicarious living....and hope in biology.

Le Fin

Actually, I just had a long conversation with the hotel's night receptionist about the couple in the lobby last night. He was wondering why i was hanging out in the lobby—he has to stay in the lobby, and was forced to listen. I, on the hand, could have left at any time. But I'm interested, in general, in the mating habits of heterosexuals. I'm not jaded, I'm fascinated.

But here's what's spooky: they DID have ajoining rooms! The receptionist mentioned that just a moment ago. You're psychic, Tweeter!

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