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Friday, March 17, 2006

Headline of the Day

Posted by on March 17 at 13:59 PM

Man Severs Own Penis, Throws It at Officers

The Chicago Sun-Times reports…

Before cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them—his penis.

Fik, 33, cut off his own penis during a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said. Officers stunned him with a Taser and took him into custody.

“We took him out without any serious injury, with the exception of his own,” said Chicago Police Sgt. Edward Dolan of the 16th District.

The man’s penis was reattached by docs at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. And you gotta love this quote about from the docs:

Dr. Greg Bales, associate professor of urology at the University of Chicago, said severed penises are uncommon but surgery usually works.

Let’s hope they’re uncommon. And it’s the fact that the surgery usually works is some small comfort, I suppose— in the case of Jakub Fik, rumor has it that it’s a very small comfort indeed.

According to highly placed sources in the investigation—my dad was a Chicago cop, don’t forget—the inside dope goes like this: The cause of Fik’s naked, dick-cutting rampage? His girlfriend insulted the size of his dick. Enraged, Fik decided to show his girlfriend what a really small dick looks like. Adding insult to injury, whoever wrote the police report made snarky reference to the size of Fik’s severed penis: “After an extensive search, the organ was found.”