I realize this is a Project Runway crowd, but my reality-TV dollar goes to The Bachelor: Paris (and, no, this has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t have cable).

HEAR Travis, the thick-headed doctor say things like “That was totally awesome!” and “How incredible was that?” and “This has been more unbelievable than I could have imagined!”.

WATCH the remaining three bachelorettes take off their kid gloves and fight to be the first to fellate the bachelor in an effort to win his favor.

SEE Moana (the “misunderstood” one) either rise to the top as the hottest, least cookie-cutter of the three, or plummet in a fiery ball of her own insecurity and psychosis.

Tonight is “romantic sleep-over dates” so wear something washable.

ABC, 9 o’clock.