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Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Give It Up

Posted by on February 7 at 9:39 AM

The female squirrels of Seattle must stop playing games and give their males sex. They need it badly, and I’m tired of seeing how badly they need it. This morning, I came across three (THREE!) situations that involved a desperate male squirrel hopping, hoping, summersaulting, hanging by a limb—doing everything it could to get a fleeing female squirrel. And the sordid drama consumes an entire street. You try to move this way, and the squirrels hop this way. You try to move that way, and the squirrels hop that way. You cant get around the damn things, so you have to abandon the street and take the longer way to work. And all I want to do is listen to music and look at houses and buildings. At one moment this morning: I’m just about to relish the beautiful conclusion to Dollar Brand’s “Sathima,” a marvelous work of South African jazz. Dollar Brand is poised to play the melody that expresses the majesty of the Table Mountains, the Cape of Good Hope, the flowers of the African city—suddenly, everywhere, here then there, a male squirrel is trying to get some. And he wont give up, and she wont give in. And I’m totally distressed. I have to go the long way, I have listen to the whole song again (11 minutes). Squirrels get your fucking act together!

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According to David Attenborough's "Mammals" series from a few years ago, female squirrels are basically prickteases. They determine who is most fit to sire their offspring by who is most willing to chase them for long periods of time, and who brings them the best food.

I have a lanai off my bedroom that male pigeons like to use as their personal love shack all Spring and Summer. Only really early in the morning too. Pigeon humping is obnoxious. It has driven me to the brink. I have given up on shooing them off all the time and am now trying to think of ways to kill them.

Regarding Attenborough's contention that female squirrels reserve their lovin' for the best male chasers/grub-bringers: A similar "No Scrubs" policy was employed by TLC, and it seemed to work very well for them.

You just have to admit it, Charles - you are a natural squirrel aphrodisiac. They see you and go wild. Some people have psychic powers. Some can count all the matches falling out of a box. You make squirrels wanna hump.

Well, male squirrels, that is. The females, obviously not so much...

Hey, that's the breaks.

Rememberring how my friend and I used to refer to cheery but airheaded girls in high school as squirrels makes this story especially funny.

(The airheaded guys tended to not be so cheery and so didn't lend themselves to the same label.)

Hey Charles, why not video that action and do a documentary about squirrels?

No means no. Or something.

perhaps you're fucking jealous that, while your fat'n'drunk self has a hard time getting it up these days, these lil' 'ol nut-chompin' runts are JACKED.

this is a clear case of squirrel envy.


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