Slog - The Stranger's Blog

Line Out

The Music Blog

« Dept. of Being an Unbearable S... | My Smobriety, Day Fourteen: Ho... »

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Scanty Secretions?

Posted by on January 22 at 21:28 PM

This morning I received an e-mail from one “Ferreira Dominic” in my Spam folder. I was about to delete it, when the title caught my eye:

Increase Cum Volume by 500%

Volume? That can’t be right. Tell me more, Ferreira Dominic! The message went on to offer the name of the product:


and these fascinating bullet points:

- Rock hard erections: Erections like steel
- Ejaculate like a porn star: Stronger ejaculation (watch where your aiming)
- Sweeter tasting sperm: Studies show it improves the flavor
- Up to 500% more volume: Cover her in it if you want

Wow, really? Erections of both rock and steel? Sperm flavorful and sweet like a Coke Slurpee? Studies? 500% MORE VOLUME? Sounds awful. Now, I’m no nationally renowned sex advice columnist, but is ejaculate volume an actual issue with anyone, anywhere? And is “watch where your[sic] aiming” a warning? As though your newly-powerful ejaculations might shatter a vase or give the cat a concussion? If you’re a young dude concerned about meager, yucky-tasting emissons - or a young lady interested in volunteering for the next round of SPUR-M taste tests - you can e-mail Ferreira Dominic at Remember, dreams do come true.

And on behalf of ladies everywhere (sorry gays - no SPUR-M for you, apparently), I did appreciate the bashful caveat, “Cover her in it…if you want.” No pressure. Thanks, SPUR-M!

CommentsRSS icon

Well, I used to know guys in college that could guzzle an entire can of beer without stopping. So I suppose it is at least theoretically possible to swallow 500% more. And tasting better might help. But I still think I'd feel a bit ill afterward. I question, however, whether or not a condom can safely contain 500% more. All in all, I think I'll let you heteros keep the SPUR-M. I can't believe our Dan Savage hasn't weighed in on this...

Ferreira Dominic.

Ferreira Dominic. . .

Something about that name makes me thirst for cheap champagne. . . .

When I participated in a sperm donation program at Swedish, the sample cups came with instructions that clearly tryed to answer questions often asked. The instructions made it clear that one was not required to fill the cup, and that the cup size was merely intended to make sample collection easy and tidy, with a minimum of waste.

Still it would be great to have 5x the volume, to hand the nurses a load they would want to dump on each others faces and lick it up like cats.

Eeew. I know I totally asked for it, but "guzzle," "swallow 500% more," and especialy "lick it up like cats," almost make me wish I'd kept my SPUR-M to myself. Almost.

Lick. It. Up. Like. Cats. Meow! Okay, my co-workers can stop staring at me now, I'm done laughing.

I just got a spam (regarding impotence) titled:

This is most modern and safe way not to cover with shame

I'm just wondering about the studies. Were they double blind studies? Did they have to do anything to compensate for the difference in volume? And just who is doing a sperm taste study? Can you get a grant for it?

I want you to know that I have a sperm bar. Its like a wine bar, but i have sperm samples from all around the world you can taste: zimbabwe, south africa, khazakstan, and taipei. A huge variance in taste and texture. Only $11.95 per 2 oz cup. Some of it I even make myself: chinese/german sperm (its mixed).

Very interesting and professional site! Good luck!

I like your website alot...its lots of fun... you have to help me out with mine...

I like this site!

Hi there! Your site is cool!

I am here to say hello and you have a great site!

This is the coolest La Cocina.

Comments Closed

In order to combat spam, we are no longer accepting comments on this post (or any post more than 45 days old).