Scanty Secretions?
This morning I received an e-mail from one “Ferreira Dominic” in my Spam folder. I was about to delete it, when the title caught my eye:
Increase Cum Volume by 500%
Volume? That can’t be right. Tell me more, Ferreira Dominic! The message went on to offer the name of the product:
SPUR-M
and these fascinating bullet points:
- Rock hard erections: Erections like steel
- Ejaculate like a porn star: Stronger ejaculation (watch where your aiming)
- Sweeter tasting sperm: Studies show it improves the flavor
- Up to 500% more volume: Cover her in it if you want
Wow, really? Erections of both rock and steel? Sperm flavorful and sweet like a Coke Slurpee? Studies? 500% MORE VOLUME? Sounds awful. Now, I’m no nationally renowned sex advice columnist, but is ejaculate volume an actual issue with anyone, anywhere? And is “watch where your[sic] aiming” a warning? As though your newly-powerful ejaculations might shatter a vase or give the cat a concussion? If you’re a young dude concerned about meager, yucky-tasting emissons - or a young lady interested in volunteering for the next round of SPUR-M taste tests - you can e-mail Ferreira Dominic at beztmeeen@guidant.com. Remember, dreams do come true.
And on behalf of ladies everywhere (sorry gays - no SPUR-M for you, apparently), I did appreciate the bashful caveat, “Cover her in it…if you want.” No pressure. Thanks, SPUR-M!
Well, I used to know guys in college that could guzzle an entire can of beer without stopping. So I suppose it is at least theoretically possible to swallow 500% more. And tasting better might help. But I still think I'd feel a bit ill afterward. I question, however, whether or not a condom can safely contain 500% more. All in all, I think I'll let you heteros keep the SPUR-M. I can't believe our Dan Savage hasn't weighed in on this...