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Tuesday, January 3, 2006


Posted by on January 3 at 1:18 AM

I read this Wall Street Journal article on hymen repair surgery several weeks ago, but I can’t get it out of my mind. It keeps hitting me with aftershocks of unpleasantness. I think about hymens while doing the dishes, and worse, I force my friends to talk about them an awful lot. Revirgination is a supposedly hot new fad among American women, and according to one reinvented 40-year-old virgin:

“It’s the ultimate gift for the man who has everything.”

Vomit. Rinse. Repeat.

I wouldn’t wish a second virginity on any man I’ve had sex wtih. Conversely, I cannot understand how any man could say, or even think, “I would love you more if I could make you bleed during sex.”

And I would love it (or at least be amused) if you would cum in your pants like when you were 14, and then cry on my chest a bit. So is this the new face of Romance?

Not that the women interviewed in this article sound coerced into having their hymens patched back together. It is, after all, the “ultimate gift” for the man who has everything. Shudder.

You know what I buy men who have everything? Wool socks. No one can ever have too many pairs of motherfucking wool socks.

And then there’s the whore-before-marriage angle. Silly girl, you had sex and you’re not married? Well then, you’d better stitch your flesh back together before your hungry, wanton vagina disgraces everyone you know.

“Losing your virginity is like losing a member of your family,” said Ms. Esmeralda Vanegas, owner of a New York spa that performs hymenoplasty. “We can make it seem like nothing ever happened.”

I’m sorry, but losing your virginity should never be as traumatic as losing a member of your family. And if for some freakish reason it is that traumatic, why would you pay to have it happen twice?

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There is no depravity that Americans will refuse to sink to if they can make money off of it.

You know what I buy men who have everything? Wool socks.

New socks are always in order - even if you don't have everything. One of life's minor pleasures is putting on a pair of brand new socks. If they are wool then so much the better.

I saw the article and can say that I totally agree with you. On one hand, however, I'm not terribly shocked. In a culture that places such a high regard on artifice, can one really be surprised at this sort of combination of Freudian, patriarchal views and body modification? If you are surprised, then you're going to be absolutely shocked when, at some point, someone begins marketing "designer hymens". It will happen.

Maybe we could start a fad where they construct a hymen over relgious conservatives mouths. Make it like they're a fag if they don't have their mouth-hymen.

Oh man, a brand new pair of really nice wool socks, like those Smart Wool socks, that is just pure heaven.

There is no depravity that Americans will refuse to sink to if they can make money off of it.

Hey wait a second - are you talking about hymen repair or wool socks?

oh my god, I hadn't even considered the designer hymen yet. You're right, it'll happen. Women are going to start lining their vaginas with mink. It will be the newest wave in Vagina Technology by 2007. I bet my hymen on it (again).

This procedure has been practiced for years in the Middle East (this comes as a big shock, I'm sure) so that unmarried daughters who were raped or who engaged in consensual sex could be passed off as virgins on the marriage market.

My darling Cienna forgot to mention that many a seedy porn store sells a delightful toy called "The Cherry Popper" -- a wholesome and Godly contraption that can be penetrated (made love to?) and releases (from a refillable cartdridge!) a bloodlike substance. Who else is SO HORNY right now?!

"This week on a very special Extreme Makeover: Saudi Arabia Edition..."

Actually, it IS possible to have too many socks - wool or otherwise. I have entire drawers full of socks I never wear. And the wool ones only go camping, so I seldom need all of the seven or eight pairs I own.

As for rehymenizing - um, so what do these women do after they've been "deflowered" a second time? Go back for a third go-round of virginity? And how many times does one get to be a virgin, before somebody points out the obvious fact that regardless, you can only have your "first time" once? I mean, "second first time" just sounds silly and redundent.

Clearly, this is just a clever ploy by the cosmetic surgery industry to drum up repeat business.

Most guys I know HATE the idea of deflowering a woman. This is so fucked up in so many ways.

My girlfriend sometimes complains that she wishes her breasts were larger. I don't why. They are as beautiful as the rest of her and perfectly sized in balance with the rest of her body. I remind of how beatiful she is (breasts, smile, spirit, and all) often.

Similarly, I'm 36 and have zero interest in ever being with a virgin. I am actively disinterested in ever being with a "revirginized" woman. No disrepect to the BDSM fans, but causing someone else pain is not my idea of a good time.

Holy shit. I know this is not really funny subject matter, but your writing just made me spit out my lunch in a fit of laughter. That's gross, but meant to be a compliment. Thanks for being an entertaining writer.

First of all I would like to say that I really enjoyed reading your comment on this article. It made me laugh and I absolutely agree with you. (I was directed to this by a friend, I live in the UK.)

Secondly, I have never heard of this procedure being carried out here in the UK, but I am sure it is, I still do not understand why any sane woman would want to go through her 'first time' again. I recalled mine briefly as I was chuckling away at your post, then quickly made myself forget about it again.

I wonder if this desire to create a new Hymen is part of the insurgence of religious right-wing fundementalism? They have a strange inturpretatio n of virginity.

"Losing your virginity is like losing a member of your family."

Yeah, exactly - a boring, socially retarded member of your family who embarassed you in front of your friends and stayed home on New Year's Eve to watch the Seventh Heaven marathon. R.I.P.

There was a Seventh Heaven marathon?

Does this mean you took back the punchcard Grandma and I got you for Christmas? The 12th Hyman was going to include a complimentary pair of wool socks! Knee Highs!

Wow. The only thing creepier than the thought of buying back my virginity is the thought of my mother doing it for me.

Thanks for upping the ante mom.

If you are surprised, then you're going to be absolutely shocked when, at some point, someone begins marketing "designer hymens". It will happen.

Wrong verb tense, I fear. It happens now.

It's not designer until I'm ovulating jewel-encrusted key chains bearing my initials.

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