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Friday, January 20, 2006

entertainment for the whole family

Posted by on January 20 at 14:36 PM

Salon’s daily fix is as wise as it is addictingly trashy, but a pain in the ass to get to.

So please, savor along with me, gentle reader:

The secret profanity of “40-Year-Old Virgin” revealed: Screen It, a Web site ostensibly devoted to parents concerned about the content of Hollywood movies, bills itself as “an unbiased, easy to use, yet heavily detailed and complete look at popular entertainment your kids might see, rent, or buy.” But in protecting kids from smut, the people behind Screen It have had to learn to wallow in it. See their painstaking assessment of “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” for an example of just what “heavily detailed” means. Their rundown of the film’s profanity: “At least 68 ‘f’ words (2 used with ‘mother,’ 16 used sexually as are phrases such as ‘laid,’ ‘nail,’ ‘screw,’ ‘do it,’ ‘get it on’ and ‘tap’), 29 ‘s’ words, 19 slang terms using female genitals (‘p*ssy,’ variations of that word and ‘poon,’ and ‘tw*t’), 15 using male ones (‘d*ck,’ ‘c*ck,’ ‘c*cks*cker’ and ‘pogo stick’), 4 slang terms for breasts (variation of ‘t*tty’), 17 asses (2 used with ‘hole’), 4 hells, 3 damns, 1 S.O.B., 15 uses of ‘Oh my God,’ 8 of ‘God,’ 4 of ‘Oh God,’ 3 of ‘My God,’ 2 each of ‘G-damn’ and ‘Swear to God’ and 1 use each of ‘For God’s sakes’ and ‘Oh Jesus Christ.’ ” Oddly, the site also includes a number of possibly imitative phrases to watch out for that range from “F*ck your mother” to the seemingly innocuous (or laden with hidden meaning?) “Forty is the new twenty.” For even more awkwardly precise descriptions, see the “Sex/Nudity” section of the site’s “Brokeback Mountain” review.

After perusing the website, I can attest that Screen It! answers the important questions on every parent’s mind, such as Just how sadistic is “Hostel” and is it appropriate for anyone? Unfortunately, you have to become a member to reap all of the hilarious rewards of this site, but here is a teaser of the Screen It Family’s take on Brokeback Mountain:

After a night of drinking, Ennis decides to sleep outside, but after his fire dies down, he’s freezing and Jack tells him to join him in the warmer tent. As they lie side by side, Jack pulls Ennis’ arm around him and then tries to kiss him several times, but Ennis is slightly resistant (pushing him away, but obviously interested). Jack’s pants are then undone and he turns with his rear toward Ennis who pulls down Jack’s pants (we briefly see the side of his bare butt). Ennis then undoes his own pants, spits on his fingers (for lubricant) and then puts his hand down toward his crotch (we don’t see the actual act). We then see him thrusting behind Jack (rear entry anal intercourse) with related sounds, but no nudity or full shots of the encounter.

Their description feels very National Geographic, somehow. And now I have an odd longing for Screen It! to narrate my next sexual encounter, preferably with a British accent. I wonder, do they take requests?


CommentsRSS icon

This is a bit beside the point, but is anyone else annoyed by the way many people censor bad words by changing ONE LETTER to an asterisk, star, dash, or whatever? I think my 4 year old niece could look at "f*ck" and tell me what the word is. If you're going to censor (presumably because a sensitive christiand just can't stand to see "fuck" and "shit" spelled out) then for god's sake `just type "f---" okay?

i'm a youth librarian and use the site a lot so that i can be prepared to defend myself and the collection against "concerned parents." the rundown for the south park movie is hilarious, but your review has gotten me wondering what they thought of "the passion of the christ."

"19 slang terms using female genitals (‘p*ssy,’ variations of that word and ‘poon,’ and ‘tw*t’)"

So, why does tw*t and p*ssy get the * treatment, but poon is allowed to sit there, unmolested?

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