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Friday, January 6, 2006


Posted by on January 6 at 14:43 PM

The subject line of this post is meant to replicate the mythic clanging noise that punctuates each and every scene on each and every strain of Law & Order, from Law & Order: Original Recipe (forever the best, thanks to S. Epatha and Jerry Orbach, RIP) to Law & Order: Erotic Asphyxiation Unit, starring Jayne Mansfield’s daughter and Christopher Meloni, who famously displays his actual butthole in season three of HBO’s homoerotic prison series Oz.

But today I’m concerned with my least favorite flavor of L&O: Law & Order: Criminal Intent, an okay show rendered unwatchable by the horrifically mannered acting of Vincent D’Onofrio, who should be ashamed of what he’s done.

However, this week’s Criminal Intent might be the rare episode worth watching, thanks to the “special guest appearance” by Elizabeth Berkeley. According to, Ms. Berkeley (who once starred in a movie I worship) plays a mysterious woman accused of blackmailing men with phony paternity suits—and I can’t wait to see it. Rumor has it that Berkeley’s spent her post-Showgirls years learning to do everything she so clearly couldn’t in that film, and she gave a perfectly lovely performance in 2002’s Roger Dodger. But how will she fare with L&O’s merciless dialogue-in-closeup? We shall see…

Law & Order: Elizabeth Berkeley Edition airs this Sunday at 9pm, on NBC.

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Vincent D'Onofrio = ([Vince Vaughn - Hotness] * severe autism)

I may be the only human in existence who actually kind of adores VD'O. He seems to need me.

I used to LOVE him, and find him strangely foxy...then came the Criminal Intent, with the twitches, the stutters, the ACTING. Truly, it makes my heart hurt to watch him.

Lucky for you, D'Onofrio won't be emoting all over Berkeley's episode. It looks like Chris Noth is on duty tonight.

Hurrah! Does Chris Noth play his old L&O character, the hot-and-angry Mike Logan? Or is he somebody else now?

Strangely foxy is EXACTLY IT! But I don't watch the new L&O incarnations, so maybe I'm not hip to the current sitch. Sad, bad VD'O! Hooray Chris Noth!

Oh man, you are RIGHT ON regarding VDO. Watching him interview someone gives me the same embarrassed, internal discomfort normally reserved for being forced to sit through high school plays.

interrogate, that is.

He plays his old character (Mike Logan, not Mr. Big), who has been offstage working his way up to the "major case sqad" big leagues.

I'll go with "Da-Dum" from the bumber with Mariska. It certainly lacks the satisfying "ch" sound, but your "ng" ending implies a ringing that I don't hear. It's a difficult sound to represent.

And I love CI for the reasons mentioned above. It's hardly "unwatchable." Trading Spouses is unwatchable.

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