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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Birds Don’t Win Super Bowls

Posted by on January 31 at 9:45 AM

More Super Bowl insight from my brother Bill.—Dan Savage

At a certain point, you have to let the oddsmakers have their way, and consider various other methods to worry about the Super Bowl and your Seahawks’ chances. Getting away from reality is part of the appeal of sports, so how’s this for some unreal analysis, something that occurred to me while drinking some real ale and chatting with a barman regarding American sports:

The Seahawks are up against it because no bird-named team has ever won the Super Bowl. And don’t tell me about the Baltimore Ravens: despite their logo, they are NOT named for a bird: they’re named for a poem about a bird, which makes them about the gayest team in the NFL, hence all the macho posturing and murder charges their players get tangled up in as they try to salvage the tattered fragments of their masculine heterosexual self-image.

But back to nicknames: If you divide up the previous 39 Super Bowl winners by what sort of nickname they have, an ominous pattern appears: teams named after Industrial Workers (broadly defined to include ranch-hands) do very well. The Packers, Cowboys, Steelers, and 49ers have a combined 17-5 record in the Super Bowl, and 3 of those losses came at the hands of another Industrial Worker. The other Super Bowl winners can be sorted as follows: Thieves (Raiders, Bucanneers); Marine Mammals (Dolphins); Politically Incorrect Dehumanizing Racist Labels (Chiefs, Redskins); Hoofed Mammals (Colts, Rams, Broncos); Ursin Omnivores (Bears); and Abstracted Humanoids (Giants, Patriots).

Now, this isn’t a hard-and-fast analysis; some Thieves (Vikings) have done very badly in the Super Bowl, for instance. But note: no Super Bowl Champions have been named for birds. The Eagles have lost two, the Falcons one. So, the Seahawks should perhaps be 4 point underdogs, since they’re up against the Industrial Workers of the World, united as the Pittsburgh Steelers.

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Bill, no offense man, but the wobblys (IWW) aren’t that active in Pitt, hell they never were, they ( the wobblys) were more active in WV with the miners. The Pitt steel workers are represented by the United Steel Workers of America a non radical sell out union that sold them down their polluted river and that’s where they’re going after the Hawks beat them and their grizzly Adams looking quarterback!

The northwest had way more wobbly IWW activity than Pitt ever had and besides the IWW is as dead as the Green Party these days.

Franco Harris or Jack Lambert can not save Pitt Steelers this time, they, their city and their fans are going down.

Terry Bradshaw was overrated as a quarterback and is a lousy sportscaster.

Go Hawks!

PS the Bears, the Cubs, Chicago style pizza and Mike Ditka suck!

PPS And why are Chicagoans trying to tell us anything about football? They got whupped by the Panthers, and Mike Ditka sucks!

Ok, Walter Payton didn’t suck, but everything else about Chicago sucks.

Hey Seme, lighten up, dude. Both your Seahawks and the Steelers are actually represented by the NFL Players' Association, the biggest sellout among pro sports players' unions. And why all the hate for Chicago? I know why: you're embarassed deep down in your rain-soaked heart to admit that Seattle is not a real city. It's a paltry imitation of a big city that wishes it were Paris, but isn't even Des Moines. Iowa, that is. Real city dwellers don't have to hate other cities, since they're secure in their own place and its values. Yep, the Bears lost--but at least they represent a real city where things get accomplished. Hey, how's that monorail coming along?

Bill, settle down man, Im just messing with you. I said I liked Walter Payton didnt I.. =) Besides man, Im from Philly and voted for the monorail, its not my fault that WA is full of folks who moved here from Illinois.


The Bears represent Aurora =)

Seattle is definitely cooler than Des Moines, Iowa. Paris, Chicago, no, but certainly Des Moines.

The Seahawks represent Kirkland, I thought? Or is it Cheney?

I'm surprised my brother didn't mention the Super Bowls that the Bears won while the Seahawks were wandering in the desert 30 years.

And Chicago has the L. Seattle has Aurora.

Despite all the analysis by Mr. Savage alleging otherwise, the Hawks will win on Sunday. Here's why: destiny. True, Seattle is not a real city like Chicago or New York (thank God), but the Football Gods have elected to bestow Greatness upon this city because, footballistically speaking, we've wandered in the desert long enough. This team is due and they're capable of winning. Anyone who's watched the playoffs has been witness to the transmogrification of the 'Hawks into an amazingly great team. They magically get better every game. They were near flawless against Carolina. Come Sunday, they will reach true perfection (in the form of a Superbowl Championship), upsetting the mighty Steelers. You just can't go against fate, you can't.

Uh, yes you can.

The Bears won ONE Super Bowl. Twenty years ago.

Hey Historians: Only one Super Bowl, yes, but the Bears have won more championships than any franchise except Green Bay (7 pre-Super Bowl era, for a total of 8, to Green Bay's total of 14. Fucking Cheeseheads. And the Bears are the most represented team in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. You could look it up:

Duh, of course you can TRY to fight fate, but you will never win (see every Greek tragedy, Shakespeare, etc). The Bears won, twenty years ago, ONLY because they were fated to win. Geez. This Sunday, the Seahawks will beat the Steelers because it's their destiny to do so. You'll see.

"Ursin Omnivores"? "Abstracted Humanoids"? I think this is the best analysis I've read so far. Completely fucking bullshit of course, but bullshit of the most poetic kind. At least it is a fun read.

thanks. poetic bullshit is what i aim for always. and "ursin" was a typo, should be "ursine," but, hey, the stranger specializes in tiepoes.

also, no cat-named team has ever won a super bowl. panthers 01, bengals 0-2.


You're an idiot. If the Ravens aren't named after birds, then either are the Seahawks, because, well, seahawks aren't real birds.

Hey Joe:
I may be an idiot, but you're functionally illiterate. The Ravens are named after a poem named after a bird--that'd be named for a poem, not a bird, guano-brain. A meta-name. Like me--I'm named after my father, who was named after a philosopher--so while I share a name with William James, I'm named after my father not Henry James's brother. If you need this explained again, I'll be happy to.

And while there is no such single avian species that's formally called a "seahawk," neither is there any such thing as an "eagle." There are several different species which are eagles, from Aquila chrysaetos to Haliaeetus leucocephalus, but "eagle" itself is an abstraction, a label that doesn't refer to any particular individual bird in the real world. Ditto Cardinals, which can be everything from # Cardinalis phoeniceus to Cardinalis cardinalis to Cardinalis sinuatusSee

And thanks so much for the feedback.

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