I somehow wound up on some database as a “lifestyle columnist,” and consequently get a lot of crap in the mail—mostly press releases announcing new products that no one really needs. Sometimes, though, I get useful stuff like bottles of sake and cases—literally cases—of beer. (Session, a new beer that is being marketed to skateboarders and snowboarders and the people who play them in front of video games, was a big hit with my boyfriend—send more!)

Anyway, this morning I got a press release trumpeting a new product—something called the “Transtrap.â€� I immediately thought it was a product for transsexuals. Perhaps something that helps the male-to-female trannie strap down his dick, or a female-to-male strap on a dick.

The transtrap has nothing to do with trannies, as it turns out. Of all the useless new products foisted on our consumption-driven culture every year, the transtrap has to be the most useless one I’ve ever heard about. It’s a “personal transit strap for subways, trains, and buses.” You’re supposed to carry it with you on the subway, and if all of the hand-straps are already being gripped by other commuters, you whip your own personal transstrap—trans for transportation—out of your purse and, voila, you’re not standing there strapless. Order now!

The Transtrap’s marketing campaign is fear-based, of course. Even if there are straps available on your subway, train, or bus, you’re encouraged to your Transtrap it so you don’t have to touch straps that other people have touched and contaminated with God-alone-knows what.