As a general rule, it’s bad policy to piss off a group that has predilections toward anarchy and access to deafening instruments. Maybe we should have learned the first time.

Some background: Editor Dan Savage’s infamous endorsement of the invasion of Iraq led the Infernal Noise Brigade to stage an impromptu concert right under his office window. Despite that bad blood, Christopher Frizzelle managed to convince the group’s members to let him follow them through Europe, so he could write this feature, which seemed to mark a period of detente between INB and The Stranger. Then this past week I wrote about how the U.S. Rubber building is kicking out artists, a few of whom are members of INB.

Leave it to the new guy to fuck everything up: Now we find ourselves in the middle of a conspiracy theory, alongside such INB shitlisters as Bill O’Reilly and Osama bin Laden. Below I’ve pasted the group’s response to my article, as articulated by the shadowy INB figure known only as “The Professor.”

To the people of the city of Seattle:

The Infernal Noise Brigade is greatly displeased by the recent evictions of the tenants of the building at 321 Third Avenue South. No doubt this space will be turned into a yuppie condo, or a jail, or a cheesecake sweatshop, or something equally preposterous.

The INB also knows who is behind this treacherous act…

Over the years, in the space we affectionately call "Luscious,” we have staged New Year's Eve revelry, held a wedding, hosted several holiday parties and danced with our pants off. Surely this eviction is a conspiracy of those who oppose such activities. We see this eviction for what it is! This is a plot of the Orwellian Department of Homeland Security to thwart our good times each New Year; an attempt by Bill O'Reilly and his "Christmas” campaign to do away with our "holiday” parties; and an effort by Osama bin Laden, evil-doer and hater of freedom, to end our pantless dancing. This building has also been a place where everyone seems to know everyone else. There are no "strangers” in this building. We believe The Stranger itself is a likely co-conspirator in this eviction. The plot is clear! The Department of Homeland Security, Bill O'Reilly, Osama bin Laden, and The Stranger have conspired to evict the tenants of this building and end the INB's good times.

But we have a message for this conspiracy. Don't fuck with the INB! Remember the Nisqually earthquake? That was us. Hurricane Katrina? Our doing. Plagues of locusts, famine, pestilence, drought, forty-day floods and the successful career of David Hasselhoff? You guessed it, the ire of the INB scorned.

The decision to reverse the eviction must be made immediately or these and similar "natural” disasters will plague you and your descendents for twenty and three generations! Do not mess with a marching band or you will feel the earthshaking wrath of our racket.

Sincerely,

The Infernal Noise Brigade