Slog - The Stranger's Blog

Line Out

The Music Blog

« Doc Watch '06 | Project Runway... »

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

50 Most Loathsome

Posted by on January 25 at 18:16 PM

The Beast lays out the 50 Most Loathsome People in America for 2005. I can think of a few they left out, but they’ve probably never met my neighbor across the street or those jerk kids who work at Subway. The rest of them are spot-on.


#25. Paris Hilton

Charges: Won’t go away. A head so empty, the rails of coke that sustain her must dissipate in clouds around her ears; this residual high the only explanation anyone would come within five feet of her. Brainless, her spinal cord defies physics, like an Indian rope trick. Her Carl’s Jr. commercial, while an uninspired approximation of eroticism, was still hotter than her actual “sex” tape, in which she only made noise when she wasn’t screwing—that’s not hot. Squints inexplicably for photo ops, suggesting even minimal focus is beyond her. Her continued success as a celebrity famous for nothing, despite the eerie resemblance she bears to the inbred banjoist from Deliverance and a lack of talent so profound that others become duller as they approach her, indicates that something is fundamentally wrong with humanity.

Exhibit A: Somehow, everybody in America knew that this completely pointless person had lost her dog, and we are all diminished by the experience.

Sentence: Locked in a room with a high steel ceiling which lowers a centimeter per hour, until she either solves a Rubik’s cube or is crushed; whichever comes first.

Plus 49 others, all unquestionably loathsome.

CommentsRSS icon

A good list, mostly, and very funny. While I wouldn't have put Terri Schiavo on it, the following sentence is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time

"As confirmed by a conspicuously underreported autopsy, Schiavo feels the same about her current situation as she did a year ago."

(howls with laughter)

I thought this was brilliant until the word "banjoist", which made me feel retarded/made me identify with the critical victim.

Agreed tho.

Lists like this are the reason why, as loathsome as the right has become, I can't like the left any better. This thing is condescending as hell and just fucking tasteless.
OK, it's also pretty funny, but it perfectly encapsulates the attitude of American (especially Seattle) liberals' attitude toward the rest of the country: We're better than you are. God I'm sick of this shit. . .

pelosi, moby, and viacom have got to be in the low fifties...alf/paulsen '08

I dunno, condescending or not (and really, can you really compose such a list and not help being so?) that top three, at the absolute least, is spot on.

Hey, jerk kids who work for Subway have feelings too.
Mostly angst and loathing.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. This list is killing me.

Comments Closed

In order to combat spam, we are no longer accepting comments on this post (or any post more than 45 days old).