The holidays are a stressful time, what with all the holiday parties and shit to set on fire and people to shoot in the face. Lest we forget the humorous madness of this great nation, I humbly present a few choice excerpts from teaching materials for federally funded high-school abstinence programs (you can read more here):

At one time the definition of an adult was someone who had left childhood behind and taken on the responsibilities of life. In contrast, today “adult” means being able to view and participate in any and all types of perverse activities that depraved minds can imagine. We actively seek to eliminate terrorism from our land; please help us actively seek to eliminate this corruptive terrorism that is stealing our children’s future.

A confusing sexual fable:

Imagine a knight traveling through the countryside. He hears a princess in distress and rushes gallantly to slay the dragon. The princess calls out, “I think this noose will work better!” and throws him a rope. As she tells him how to use the noose, the knight obliges her and kills the dragon. Everyone is happy, except the knight, who doesn’t feel like a hero. He is depressed and feels unsure of himself. He would have preferred to use his own sword.

And my favorite:

While a man needs little or no preparation for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation.

You’re welcome.