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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Use Your Own Sword

Posted by on December 20 at 10:54 AM

The holidays are a stressful time, what with all the holiday parties and shit to set on fire and people to shoot in the face. Lest we forget the humorous madness of this great nation, I humbly present a few choice excerpts from teaching materials for federally funded high-school abstinence programs (you can read more here):

At one time the definition of an adult was someone who had left childhood behind and taken on the responsibilities of life. In contrast, today “adult” means being able to view and participate in any and all types of perverse activities that depraved minds can imagine. We actively seek to eliminate terrorism from our land; please help us actively seek to eliminate this corruptive terrorism that is stealing our children’s future.

A confusing sexual fable:

Imagine a knight traveling through the countryside. He hears a princess in distress and rushes gallantly to slay the dragon. The princess calls out, “I think this noose will work better!” and throws him a rope. As she tells him how to use the noose, the knight obliges her and kills the dragon. Everyone is happy, except the knight, who doesn’t feel like a hero. He is depressed and feels unsure of himself. He would have preferred to use his own sword.

And my favorite:

While a man needs little or no preparation for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation.

You’re welcome.

CommentsRSS icon

I thought I had the general gist of what sex is about; apparently I was wrong.

"The princess says 'Also, maybe it would work better if you attacked the dragon from behind. And I think it would help if you said some rough things, like "Take that, you nasty, nasty little dragon!" while you're doing it. I think that might help both you and the dragon to get into it. Not that I'm telling you how to do your job.'
The knight feels belittled by the suggestion that he doesn't know how to properly perform his knightly duties and, dejected, goes off by himself to polish his sword and think about what it means to be an adult. The End."

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