Can I be accused of stuffing a ballot box I wasn’t aware existed?

Of course I can, and Sam Chenderson is just the man to do it.

But first: when I picked up my mail there was an envelope from The Seattle Times. Inside were two t-shirts, a decal, and a letter. “The votes are in and you’ve won! You’ve been selected as a winner in the Nwsource People’s Picks 2005 contesta contest where Seattleites chose you as their favorite.” It seems that I won best newspaper columnist.

I had never heard of the NWsource People’s Picks so I called Tracy Martinez, the contact person at the Seattle Times, who told me that the People’s Picks awards are in their second year. When I asked her if Danny Westneat or Nicole Brodeur were upset that I bested them as newspaper columnist in a contest run by the Seattle Times, the paper they work for, Tracy told me she had no idea who they were.

I don’t know who to thankwell, besides Mike Fancher, of course, who writes the “Inside the Times” column. Fancher’s column features more analingus in one installment than Savage Love does in a year. (Fancher’s tongue has been lodged in the ass of Seattle Times publisher Frank Blethen for so long that Fancher is now fed through a tube that goes directly into his stomach.) For regular readers of the Seattle Times, my column must seem positively wholesome compared to Fancher’s. And I have them to thank for this honor.

A final note: A few years ago I won the best newspaper columnist honors in Seattle Weekly’s annual Best of Seattle poll. The Weekly eliminated the category the next year and hasn’t risked including it since.