Imploding monorail? Shrinking city revenues? No, Seattle mayor Greg Nickels knows what the real issue facing our city is: Strip clubs!

Today, Nickels proposed a whole new raft of regulations on topless establishments, which are already effectively banned under a 16-year-old “temporary” strip-club moratorium that’s being challenged in court. (An aspiring strip-club operator is claiming that the single-purpose moratorium amounts to an illegal de facto ban on a legal business.)

The new rules would require bright lights throughout strip clubs; prohibit strippers from taking tips directly (“tips for dancers must be placed in a container provided by the club); and impose “a four-foot rule for lap dances,” according to Nickels’ syntactically tortured press release.

From Nickels’ statement: “I don’t want strip clubs opening up in our neighborhoods. … As a city, we have a clear duty to protect our neighborhoods from activities that aren’t appropriate near homes, schools and churches.”

One question, Greg: What strip clubs?