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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

How do you like your fudge? Packed, of course.

Posted by on June 28 at 9:48 AM

Now this may not be a matter of huge import , it’s not corporate welfare, or George Bush’s “Hail Mary” speech, or John “Don’t Kid Yourself” Kerry’s intentions vis-à-vis 2008 (I still want my 2K back, John), but I think it rises to the level of blog-worthy…

I went to see the new Herbie movie last night - the one starring Lindsey Lohan’s late, great rack.

Before Herbie, which sucked, they showed a preview for the Willy Wonka remake. Tim Burton directs, Johnny Depp stars. Johnny has long, straight dark hair, wears white pancake makeup, and talks in a breathy whisper. As in the original (which starred Gene Wilder), Willy Willy? - has a thing for making kids’ dreams come true or, failing that, dispatching them in some colorful manner. And the, er, chocolate factory itself? It looks like something out of Fritz Lang’s Metropolis and/or Michael Jackson’s id brutal, looming, phallic, and black.

The scenes inside the factory scream “Neverland,” and Depp might as well be moonwalking through his scenes. Michael Jackson as Willy Wonka? Find the Golden Ticket hidden in the candy bar, drop your kid off at the gates, and his fudge gets packed by a pro.

Either the film itself is going to be creepy, or it’s going to hilarious, or hilariously creepy, or creepily hilarious, but it’s not something I want to take my kid to see. It looks like something I might get stoned and go see on my own, though.

One final note: When, oh when, is Tim Burton going to get off his ass and do a stop-motion animation film version of Stephen Sondheim’s Sweeney Todd? Nightmare Before Christmas was great, but it didn’t plot was strained. Sweeney Todd, Tim, Sweeney Todd. It’s your Oscar-bait film. Make it!